Posted by InsomniaMom on June 15, 2002, at 23:00:07
I took my mother to the ER over three weeks ago. She was admitted for severe depression. This is not the first time. She's still in the hospital and I am glad. This sounds terrible but I wish she would quit calling me. When I was summoned back the next day to talk to the social worker about her he must have thought I was the meanest b*tch on the face of the earth. I told them before I went I did not want to be responsible in any way for her happiness. I have had it. I blame my depression on her. Her constant whining and manipulation have strangled me my entire life. I will be 47 years old tomorrow and still feel like a guilty child because she is not happy. EVERY day I have to be involved in some aspect of her life. She called tonight to say she could finally cry and her pdoc says she made a breakthrough by doing so and crying about her miserable childhood and miserable life and fear of the future because she has nowhere to go. (I don't think it's such a breakthrough as she's certainly cried to me about it all before). She does have somewhere to go, a nice apartment, but she doesn't like it because she is "dying of lonliness" (read: why won't any of my children take me in and take care of me like I've wanted them to do for the past 25 years since my husband left me?).I've told her before how bad it makes me feel when she says these things...so guilty, but being the oldest child who was most neglected by her growing up WHY is she choosing me to rely on now? I resent it. It's ALWAYS about her. I know depression is a disease. I have it too, but I do not choose to make everyone around me miserable. I got to hear all her pitiful miserable complaints which interupted my dinner time with my family once again tonight and oh, by the way, "happy birthday tomorrow...did I ever tell you my water broke on the way to the hospital and all your father cared about was ruining the car seats?" Yes, thank you MOMMY DEAREST...I've heard it all before!
Now that any of you patient enough to have listened to my rantings have an idea just how much I resent this person who gave me life for her own selfish reasons and has never really loved me: should I tell her psychiatrist she should not talk to me???? I am afraid I will say something which will just send her off the deep end. I am very angry and when she's seeking comfort by saying things like "I always thought my biggest accomplishment in life was that I was a good mother to my four girls, but now I'm not even sure I was a good mother", I FEEL like confirming her fears,but instead give a half hearted "well, you did your best...you had so many to take care of, etc.". I really feel like saying what she used to say to me when I was a scared, insecure little kid and she constantly compared me to my younger sister who was braver and saying..."STOP BEING SUCH A CRYBABY". I don't think she can take the truth, but I don't think I can tell her what she wants to hear. She depends on me for so much physically...taking care of all her affairs while she is in the hospital, etc. that I can't cut off contact, but I feel like there must be some way to stop her from dragging me down in her quagmire even deeper, once again and forever!
Does anyone have any advice? I am trying to be strong. I need to hold it together for my family. I swear will NEVER do this to my daughter! i'm the one everyone in the whole family calls, e-mails, etc. wanting to know all the details of my "poor" mother's latest catastrophe. I am being suffocated. None of my younger sisters can stand to talk to her and they live farther away and don't help at all.
Even if no one can relate to this, it's good to vent, I guess.
poster:InsomniaMom
thread:355
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20020516/msgs/355.html