Posted by Pandabear on April 24, 2004, at 14:53:07
In reply to (((pandabear))))) » Pandabear, posted by karen_kay on April 24, 2004, at 13:26:37
Also..Something that is really getting me is the fact that yes...my therapists do care about me but..it is frustrating to me that in the end..they are the ones going home resting easily not having to deal with anything that they come in contact with during the day. YES they to have their own problems to deal with but, not mine. NOt that i want them to have my problems to deal with outside of therapy but, its frustrating that they are so concerned for me during work hours but when they leave...its all up to me...am i making sense? This is what scares me...I feel like im so alone. I watched this movie one time about someone that had this baby and afterwards her back was hurting..she did nothing about it until finally her husband made her go to the doc and come to find out that it is cancer and it spread to the bone and they couldnt operate on her. Long story short she ends up dying in the end. It was an amazing movie and I watched it 3 times...which was bad considering i was really depressed at the time...but I related to it because I feel like I havent been to the doctor in so long..once I go...they will find something wrong with me that..HAD I GONE earlier..it wouldnt be an issue...I dont see myself living to a ripe old age...I never have seen that in myself..yet I like to think of my future...but Im really scared. I feel like im going to go to the doctor and if my results come back negative..im being punished for something. I dont have good luck....Ok..im going to stop talking now because Im really depressing myself. I want to say I wish I wasnt alive to deal with this..but thats not right..Im happy to be alive..I just wish I didnt have to deal with anything. I want to be alone..I want to go to sleep and not have to deal with anything. When you sleep you can shut things out for a while and then deal with them later..but i know that if i get in the bed to sleep I will just depress myself even more..yet obsessing is also going to depress me. I cannot win.
There is a reason why I am experiencing such difficulty right now and I have no idea why..but I hope to figure it out.
I will write more later...
poster:Pandabear
thread:338987
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/health/20040303/msgs/339573.html