Posted by Dena on September 4, 2003, at 10:06:57
In reply to Re: miracle healing » rayww, posted by Ima on September 4, 2003, at 8:23:29
Dear Ima -
Hmmm... I'm beginning to wonder whether or not I may be somewhat bipolar, after reading what you & Raywww have stated.
I do have up and down cycles - can this just be a part of being human? I'm very affected by the weather, the state of my surroundings (cluttered environment = cluttered thinking), & my relationships. Again, is this bipolar or human?
I also have a tendency to "add my 2 cents", rather emphatically, (a nice way of saying I can easily take over conversations!) - but I've always blamed that on my sinful tendency to draw attention to myself.
During my down days, which can come out of nowhere, I tend to withdraw, wallow in self-pity, & indulge myself in lethargy. I can't say that I feel close to God during these times. I think part of me tends to blame Him for my emotional doldrums. I believe I have a childish notion that I should always be happy, fulfilled, & in pleasant situations.
I've been reading something interesting lately in my morning devotions... may I share?
"...the essence of sin is a failure to worship the Creator... the beginning of man's rebellion against God was, and is, the lack of a thankful heart... the rebellion is the deliberate refusal to be the creature before the Creator, to the extent of being thankful...idolatry is not only the worship of false gods, it is also the worship of the true God in a false way...idolatry is the entertaining of ideas about God that are unworthy of Him... we cannot truly worship God if we carry in our hearts a wrong or unworthy concept of Him...we cannot worship God in the way He deserves to be worshipped until we understand something of who He is... we cannot worship someone we don't trust."
Of course, the above assumes that there is a Creator God, & that He is defined by Himself, rather than by his creation. These are my own personal beliefs.
What I got out of this, is that my own perceptions of God are more than likely tainted by my own ideas. My religion teaches me about God (using the Bible & Church teachings), & I completely believe these teachings on a concrete, intellectual level. However, I'm aware of more subtle, deeper "beliefs" which I've accumulated over the years from less reliable sources (i.e., my relationship with my own earthly father - who, for better or for worse, represented God the Father to me as a young child; my assumptions about God based on my own experiences - like blaming Him when things don't go "well"; ideas about God that I've received from others, etc.). These beliefs, which seem to be mostly subconscious, are characteristics I've ascribed to God which are unworthy of Him. While I reject them in my mature, conscious mind, my subconscious (child-like) mind seems to be more powerful at times, causing me to distance myself from the very God I desire to become more intimate with!
For instance, my father was a hugely, powerfully strong presence in my early years. He was tall, big, stern, dominating, demanding man. He expected & demanded near-perfection from his children (I was the eldest). He taught me to fear authority. He taught me that he ("God") was hard to please, & always ready to punish my wrongdoings. I believe I transferred these fears onto God at an early age. I gave God the unwarranted traits that my father had demonstrated.
I remember once, at age 5 or so, my father asked me to jump into the pool, & he said he would catch me. Actually, he didn't ask, he told me to do so. I had no choice but to jump, although I had a terrible fear of deep water. I jumped, but my father, in an attempt to help me overcome my fear, dropped his arms & let me flounder in panic for a moment. Then, he asked me to swim toward him, promising me that he wouldn't move. I began to swim, but I could see under the water that he backed up, step by step, so that I never quite reached him. I believe that severe damage was done toward my trust, not only for my father, but toward my heavenly Father whom he represented to me.
To this day, I struggle with completely trusting God, & believing that He will be absolutely reliable, rather than like my own father, who did mean things to me "for my own good."
God has been taking me on a journey of trust. I've experienced many things which I wouldn't have volunteered for (like my miscarriage), that have put me in a position where I'm compelled to trust God to carry me through. I'm discovering that He IS trustworthy, & I have to choose to not believe the old, deceptive beliefs to the contrary.
It's rather like overcoming a bad habit, replacing it with a good one. It can feel awkward & unfamiliar at first, but with practice, it's becoming more and more natural to trust Him. I've always known He was trustworthy, but now I'm starting to experience it more deeply & personally.
Well, I certainly went down a rabbit trail, but perhaps this will be helpful to someone else - if not, it helped me to articulate it.
Shalom, Dena
poster:Dena
thread:256228
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faith/20030530/msgs/256883.html