Posted by Mercury on June 30, 2003, at 11:16:52
While I enjoy discussion and debate on the more esoteric aspects of spirituality, I do want to spend some time focusing on my recovery from depression and addiction. So I'm starting this new thread just to keep a record of my progress over time and within a spiritual context. Others are welcome to join in. What I am most interested in learning about is how anti-depressent drugs effect my experience of God and the spiritual world.
As a bit of background. I am a nicotine and alcohol addict. I smoke a pack a day, and am what you might call a functioning alcoholic. Both addictions date back at least 10 years. About 6 years ago, I sought treatment for depression and was prescribed Effexor along with behavioral counseling. Prior to this period you might say that I had only one firm belief about God or religion. I knew that our lives extended beyond the physical world. I knew this because after the suicide of my mother (I was 13 at the time) she came back to visit me on several occassions. Now can I prove this in a court of law? No. And I certainly understand how others might doubt that what I experienced was real, but I know it was...and that's all that matters to me. And so, I moved forward in my life knowing that there was something going on here that I didn't understand. Anyway, on I went through college, partying, drinking, fighting, whoring, doing drugs and smoking cigarettes. Not really thinking about what I was doing and why. Always expecting that somehow, at some point in the future I would stop and become a normal healthy person. And the years rolled on, it became so much a part of my life that now I realize that I have no idea what its like to be a healthy adult. Anyway...back to the effexor. I started taking this drug in June of 97. The effect on my personality was almost immediate. Within 3 weeks I had spontaniously quit smoking. And my drinking habits turned into, what I can only describe as that of a normal person...a couple of drinks every once in a while during a social function. The nights of sitting alone in my apartment drinking cheap scotch 'till I passed out were gone. But there were even more dramatic changes happening. Fundamental shifts in my worldview were taking place. My friends changed, I met my wife, I changed jobs, made more money, and discovered a wonderful book called Conversations With God. This book helped me to crystalize my understanding of the universe in the most profound way. I became part of the body of God. I began to develop a relationship with Him. I spontaneously began self publishing books of poetry. And I began to reach out and seek others who were having similar experiences. This led me on-line and into a whole new world of rich and deep relationships. And interestly, I started to develop a sort of alter-ego an angel named "Mercury - the God of messengers". I remembered that I am an immortal, multi-dimensional being. A most loved child of God. I could talk to the angels, and they would talk back. I felt like light a light unto the world. Everything had changed. Everything was different. Ans all of this happened in a matter of only a few months.
And then I stopped taking the effexor.
I stopped because it occured to me that I couldn't be 100% sure that my experiences were authentic and not part of some drug induced delusion. And so gradually, I slid back into my old habits. I started smoking again almost right away. The drinking took longer, but came back eventually too. And the depression returned. Along with anxiety and deep regret. I changed from being an inspiring person to always being negative. From loving to scornful. I stopped seeing angels. Stopped reading books. Stopped talking to God. Stopped listening to the universe. My wife asks me all the time...where did that man I married go?
Well, here I am. Trying it again. This is my 4th day on Lexapro. I've started therapy again, and am thinking about trying AA. (no decision yet). I will be posting my experiences in this forum. Trying to document the changes, (if any) that result from this therapy. We'll see if Mercury returns.
I'm happy to accept any questions or comments.
One Love,
Mercury
poster:Mercury
thread:238121
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faith/20030530/msgs/238121.html