Posted by Dena on February 16, 2003, at 15:04:05
In reply to Miracles-Dena » Dena, posted by Lou Pilder on February 16, 2003, at 11:18:53
> Dena,
> You wrote,[...miracles happen...]. Could you write of one that you know of? If you could, it could offer others a testimonial to the existance of God.
> Lou
Hi Lou - thanks for asking. I'd be happy to describe a miracle that's happened to me. But please know something: for an unbeliever, no amount of miracles could be ever be enough to instill belief. For a believer, no miracles are necessary. God doesn't want you to be "proved" into believing in Him - then you'd just be a robot who'd been backed into a corner. He wants you to respond to the universe He's created around you, really look at it, really study it's amazingly, orderly, designed way of operating - & then realize that Someone must have put all of this together. (Even throughout the scientific community, evolution is losing ground & many, many, very intelligent people are saying that the more they probe the depths of the universe, & the more they seek to understand the meaning of life in a chromosone, the more they have to acknowledge that there's an intelligent designer behind it all.)You may have heard mention of a "God-shaped void" that's inside of all of us. God put it there. It's His calling card. He created us because He wants to have relationship with us, and we find our greatest sense of belonging, of purpose, in relating back to Him. That void cries out in each person. It's like a hunger. But because we're inclined to "go it alone", & we generally resent submitting to any sort of authority, we seek to fill that void by or own means: relationships with people, careers, seeking pleasure, thrill-seeking, food, sex, money, alcohol, drugs, you name it. I mean, most of the things we turn to are good things, but to put them in the place of honor, to make them the focus of our lives, leaves us still hungry inside, empty, dissatisfied. We think, "there must be something MORE". There is. There's God. Not God as we each understand him to be, not God limited to anyone's understanding, nor limited by anything else at all. Just God.
The key to "finding" Him is humility. An attitude of "prove yourself to me" is based on pride - an assumption that somehow the Creator of the universe owes us something. If we can get quiet & real with ourselves, & acknowledge that our own attempts to find meaning & purpose have left us longing for more, then we're halfway there. Then, take a leap of faith (an exercise of extreme risk) & say, "I want to know if You're real. I want to know You as you really are. Creator-God, reveal yourself to me." And then, pay attention. Open your mind & your eyes to the possibility that perhaps nothing is a coincidence. Perhaps everything is orchestrated in and around us. Perhaps an eternal Someone loves us & wants to be loved back. Most of us want to see before we believe. Ironically, most of us will never see until we first believe.
Back to the miracle:
Due to many factors, I became bulimic at the age of 18. It did for me what alcohol, drugs & sex could not (although I indulged in those as well). Very quickly, it took over my life. I binged and purged several times per day, as often as I could get away with it. I resorted to shoplifting in order to keep up with my "need" to binge. For 21 years it consumed and ruled me. (as an aside, I became a believer in God & his Son, Jesus at age 15; but at 18 I became rebellious, & asked God to take a "back seat" in my life. He's a gentleman, so He did so. Even though He never stopped loving me, He didn't violate my right of free will to make choices - even choices which could kill me.) During this time, I got married, had several children, bought homes, did all the normal life things. But I was living a sham, because my main focus, my number one priority was to binge and purge. It sounds so stupid, but I was completely enslaved to it.I tried everything I knew to stop: willpower (ha!), psychotherapy (to the tune of 20+ counselors), hypnosis, 12-step programs, countless books, in-patient treatment (5 different 30-day sessions), court-ordered treatment (after being arrested three times for shoplifting food), every anti-depressant known to man, church, prayer, Bible-reading, exorcism, colonics, inner-healing, you name it. I put my heart & soul into trying to recover! At 5'1", I weighed 80lbs, my husband was giving up on me, my children were suffering horribly, I spent all day, every day, going from the kitchen to binge to the bathroom to purge. I should have been dead. And yet, I could not stop. The shame was enormous. I felt like a filthy hypocrite, a worthless scum. I didn't understand why I seemed willing to throw my life away for eating food & throwing it up!
In a desperate attempt I reached out for help again in November, 2000. My doctor didn't know what else to do for me. He suggested that my husband & I update our will. My therapist suggested that I go to yet another in-patient treatment center (despite the fact that I was nursing a small infant at the time). She said I was one of the worst cases of bulimic addiction she had ever seen, that it was going to be a long, hard, uphill battle (for at least another five years), and the end of which I may be able to cope better. Cope better? And not even a guarantee?
I then heard about a ministry, called Theophostic (Greek for God-Light), which was reporting wonderful success with all sorts of "impossible" problems, in very short time. Yeah, right, I thought; too good to be true. But I was desperate, so I tried it out. Within three weeks (about four sessions), I was free from bulimia. I could go into endless details of what happened, but here it is in a nutshell: the counselor asked me to focus on my panic & pain that I felt whenever I desperately wanted to binge & purge but couldn't. She asked the Lord Jesus to take me back to where that panic & pain first entered my life(she told me not to edit, but to just report anything I "saw", felt or thought). I had a distinct impression of an embryo, floating in the uterus, & I knew instinctively that it was me, prior to birth. I had a sensation of impending doom, a sense of intense deprivation; feeling the need to protect myself, to take care of myself, but of course I was completely helpless. I reported all of this, & the counselor asked the Lord to show me what lie I had started believing in back then. I didn't "hear" anything, but I sensed the words, "I must take care of my own needs or else I will die of deprivation! When I can, I'll make sure that I'm never deprived again!" Then, the counselor asked the Lord to show me the Truth from His perspective. In my mind, I "saw" strong arms coming around me & holding me. I sensed the words, "It's my job to keep you from deprivation, not yours. I am your provider."
I went home from that session, really not feeling anything different, except for a sense of hope. For the next three weeks, I found myself not wanting to binge or purge. I even tried to make myself do it once, out of curiosity, & it felt foreign to me. One day, while explaining this change in me to my children, my eldest daughter asked, "Mom, what should we do if we see you bingeing or purging again?" I was formulating my answer, about to say something along the lines of, "Tell your father", when out of my mouth came the words, "I'll never do it again. I'm free from bulimia." My husband & I were so startled that we both yelled, "What!?"
It's been over two years since that time, & I've remained completely bulimia-free. I'm at a normal weight, & I'm healthy (in fact, in all those years of abusing my body, the only damage has been some tooth enamel damage from stomach acid). Bulimia is simply no longer a part of my life - it's not who I am. I don't have to do anything to maintain my healing. It's complete. It's not like "tolerable recovery" that I hoped to experience back in my 12-step days. I don't have to make a choice to be abstinent each day - it doesn't even occur to me! I was bulimic - very bulimic - and now I'm simply not.
My doctor remains flabbergasted. The therapist who told me I'd have to go back to treatment won't even speak to me (she's waiting for the "relapse"). I eat whatever I want, whenever I want to. I can stop when I've had enough. I eat things that used to "trigger" me. I don't worry about food. I'm free to live life & be a wife & a mom! It's incredible.
I truly believe that our problems stem from believing lies that were planted way back in our histories. Either someone deliberately deceived us ("You're so stupid!" "You're worthless!"), or we came to believe lies about ourselves on our own. These lies became "truth" to us. God has been gracious to take me back to the source of these lies & to replace them with His truth. No fanfare, no fireworks, just freedom from lies. Freedom to live in truth. I still have troubles, because not all of the lies have been dealt with yet - in fact I think it takes a lifetime to deal with all the lies. If anyone is curious about this approach to recovery, check out http://www.theophostic.com/ I get nothing out of this referral. It just helped me & led me to my miracle, so I pass it along.
Goodness, this was long! Contratulations to those who endured to the end!
Shalom, Dena
poster:Dena
thread:200423
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faith/20021227/msgs/200939.html