Posted by gardenergirl on June 15, 2007, at 8:59:04
In reply to The ex deputy stain, posted by scratchpad on June 14, 2007, at 14:16:10
I know what you're talking about, and it's frustrating to say the least. And not fair. And you're right, it's about boundaries. They're important for us to construct and maintain or even "enforce" if necessary.
But I also think that there's another aspect to this. If one person expects something from another that the other never agreed to, and then that first person feels disappointed, let down, angry or some other reaction when the second person doesn't meet that expectation...well, I think the first person has some responsibility for that upset. I know it happens that we do expect more or different from people who have authority roles, are role models of some kind, or are looked up to for some reason (maybe teachers, celebrities, doctors, athletes, leaders, etc.) Anyone ever think their teacher never went to the bathroom? What about all the hoopla when an athlete does something "bad", and people chastise them for being a poor role model for kids. Did that athlete ever agree to be the role model? I think that's debatable. But still, that athlete is a human being, too, with all kinds of needs, drives, "issues", patterns of behavior, impulses, feelings, thoughts, etc. And put all that into a particular situation or context, and I think it's only realistic not to mention "fair" to view that person as a whole being and not place limitations, restrictions, ideals, and expectations on them that are not accepted and/or do not fit.
It's projection, frankly. It's not necessarily a bad thing, and it's not a bad thing for the role model type person to strive to set a good example if it's their goal. But if that projection leads to upset in the projector, what does that really mean about the projectee? Nothing negative, imo.
Okay, I would think I could pare this down from all the blathering. What I really mean is, you are you, scratchpad. And I happen to think you are a fabulous you. A gift to others. If anyone else reacts negatively to you or your actions based on their projection of expectations or ideals or some other "not really you" stuff, what is that really saying about you and about them?
You're so right about boundaries. They can be great teflon for what comes your way from others. And those semi-permeable ones, that let the wanted in and the unwanted out....those are the best. :)
I'm sorry this is so painful for you. And I think it's a great loss if it inhibits your posting here, because as I said, you and your words are a gift to us. Thank you for you.
((((((scratchpad)))))))
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:763148
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/esteem/20070330/msgs/763350.html