Posted by Racer on October 29, 2006, at 22:13:40
In reply to Re: ...misunderstood (very long) » Racer, posted by ElaineM on October 29, 2006, at 20:07:19
> >
> How are sufferers supposed to combat the belief that starving is counter-productive if it is the thing *required* to be taken seriously by treating professionals?! I guess it’s a touchy thing cause obviously diagnostic criteria does state an amount of weight-loss required, but I do think it’s important for professionals to realize that a danger zone doesn’t only exist from that one point and downwardsAt the time he said that to her, I was within spitting distance of the goal weight he set for me. (That's all he did -- tell me how much I should be shooting for, and put a diagnostic code on his form.) My T, of course, laughed about it when she told me -- she knows better...
I wish, though, that doctors (and therapists, for that matter) would get over a few of their misconceptions about AN: that they can *see* it, for instance. When I was finally diagnosed, my BMI was about 14. Even then, I had to *tell* the doctor I had a problem! I'd asked for help in the past, only to have doctors say, "You don't look too thin to me." Another is that AN necessarily requires a lack of insight. Another doctor told me, "No, the fact that you're asking me tells me you're not anorexic. If you were really anorexic, you would lack the insight to know it." Hello? I was nearly 30 years old at the time, and had a lot of years in by then. If I didn't know *something* was wrong by then, I don't think I'd be suffering a mental illness -- I'd just be pretty dim-witted. Another doctor said something about my weight. I said, "well, I have an eating disorder and I don't know what to do about it. I've tried to eat, but it hurts too much." He nodded knowingly, and said, "ah... Food aversions. Well, I tell my patients who need to lose weight to avoid carbohydrates, so I guess you should eat more of them!"
Let's start out own medical school, teach them the part about patients being real people?
>
> Do you know what your T’s reaction to such a statement was? Not just to you, but what was her response back to Dr.CP?Honestly, I don't. She basically blew it off -- "that's how ignorant he is..." (This is the T whose two favorite phrases are "So what?" and "who cares?" remember -- she wouldn't bother to try to set him straight, I don't think.)
>
> I’ve almost wanted to say, Can you please not say anything at all instead?Ha! I have said it. I've told family members not to say ANYTHING AT ALL, EVER, about my weight. Ha! All they do is preface their remarks with, "Now, I know you don't want to hear this..." (I wonder why I have such trouble with setting boundaries?)
:^D
> >>>>>>I also find myself feeling completely at a loss in other ways. I don't really understand what it is that makes me anorexic. I know what it does for me, that makes it so seductive, but I don't understand how that happens.
>
> I’d like to hear more about that part because I’m not quite sure I understand. I don’t know if I’d ask you to write all the good stuff about having your ED here, cause I worry it could be mistaken as proof that it’s alright, but I assume you’ve done that exercise before, right?Nope, never done that.
Keep in mind, I've never gotten treatment as such: by the time I started seeing my current T, I had gained enough weight I was out of danger. What we work on is more related to depression and anxiety than the ED per se. Even the group therapy is less ED centered than I expected. Much more about feeling invisible than the issues around food, or even bodies.
In terms of what I meant, that's harder to explain. I guess it's got something to do with what throws the switch? I went nearly ten years at non-anorexic weights, mostly eating as close to normally as I ever have -- I honestly thought it would never happen again. And it did. There had been other times of stress for me, during which at times I'd stop eating, but it was never *restricting*, you know? Why does it happen? That's something like what I meant.
> >>>>>I do know that I can't get it just by not eating, though. Something has to switch in my brain for the good stuff to start. (I guess the "good stuff" is really starvation-related, so that's a bad name for it...) Whatever it is, though, I can't make it happen. It just does.
>
> What is it about the starvation process? Is it the process for you, or the side-effects, the opioid effect…? (Jeez, it don’t know if it’s best to answer) Do you know *when* you tend to go back into it? The first time I really don’t know for sure what “caused” everything to converge. But for me, the original bout was very very different than the relapses.The first time for me was not the best. It came on after I'd been sick, and had lost a lot of weight in the hospital. My mother was always very thin, and used to criticize me for being chubby. I was 13 -- it was baby fat, puppy fat, not a weight problem, just a growth pattern. I came out thin, and I wanted to stay that way. And so... The rest is history, right?
Each time, though, my weight goes lower. I think it's partly that the only reason I've ever stopped is the antidepressants. Not that they "cured" it, but that they caused so much weight gain for me. (and I'm talking about gains of over 50 pounds each time. By the scale, not my eyes.) Sometimes, I would catch myself thinking, "This isn't enough -- when I have to start ADs again, I'll gain so much, I have to have a little room so I won't get so fat..."
>
>
> I think I use starving to deaden everything – to smother the anxiety I have at living the life I was…am…was -- to actually feel like death. Do you find it hard to use your voice to communicate distress? What is it about distressful feelings that make them need to be silenced and instead replaced with actions? (I’m asking that part cause that’s what I’m confused with myself.)When I'm actively restricting, and successfully thin, I feel so strong -- SuperRacer! I feel better. And I definitely use it to control feelings that distress me. No question there. As for why I can't use my voice to communicate them, it's probably because no one has ever listened to me...
I do have to go, but I'll write more in response later. I really appreciate sharing this with you, Elaine. You may not be an expert on my eating disorder, but you certainly are an expert about your own. Other people's stories do help me work out my own issues sometimes. If nothing else, sometimes I learn new questions to ask about it...
poster:Racer
thread:698537
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/eating/20060628/msgs/698911.html