Posted by ElaineM on October 17, 2006, at 19:41:13
In reply to A question on body image of others (trigger), posted by NikkiT2 on October 16, 2006, at 6:07:14
>>>>>>Do you feel disgust when you see fat people. People that are technically *obsese*?
At my worst I thought EVERYONE was disgusting when eating, and *because* they ate. I couldn't stand seeing or smelling anybody eat. The actual process of consuming food made me sick to my stomach, and I hated anyone who did it. Because of that, I stopped eating solids for five months and was in the process of stopping fluids when I was admitted the first time. I hate that that would once have been my answer, but I wanted to answer you honestly. But to give you an idea of how starved my brain was (and I've only ever told one non-pdoc this before) I used to want to bleed myself inorder for the scale to drop lower.
Losing weight was never about wanting to weigh the same as a model or anything. So asthetic judgment were never part of the disorder for me. At no point during my weight loss did I think that I was attractive. Actually, I'd bet that all the disgust I felt when seeing/smelling others eat was projection. Before the eating disorder, and Now, I'm totally different, or normal I guess. I so rarely leave the house that when I do I think I hold all others I see in awe. Also, I'm not thin at all now, so I'm quite sensitive to weight issues, and even more lenient to others.
> Is it only fat on yourself that is disgusting? Or is all fat on any person disgusting?
If the person wasn't eating then I was alright. I always thought that even if they were overweight that they had redeeming characteristics (that I believed I was also lacking) that made weight only be one piece of their makeup as a person, and consequently made them better than me. So I do judge my body waaaay harsher than others. BUt also, I used to just assume that weight didn't mean as much to regular people as it did to me - like another wouldn't find weight criticisms or stuff like that, upsetting or hurtfull. I seriously thought that being considered anything less than skinny was a stone that could only hurt me -- everyone else was strong enough to not care. Then I went into treatment (where I was alongside some hospitalized for binge-eating disorder and obesity) and I was shocked (in a dumb way) to hear others echo my feelings. It's embarassing to say how I thought then :(
> Would you think less of an obese person? Would you be friends with them?I would PAY ANYONE to be friends with me. My best friend from highschool [way before I was AN] was quite overweight, and I didn't care at all. I wanted to apoligize to *her* for having such an ugly friend beside her.
poster:ElaineM
thread:695231
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/eating/20060628/msgs/695652.html