Posted by Dinah on December 29, 2006, at 10:00:44
In reply to Re: Would it be helpful or even possible/poss *tri » NikkiT2, posted by ElaineM on December 29, 2006, at 9:34:41
I am positive I've wanted to post things like that. I might even have done it, I'm not sure. Not prospectively, more in retrospect. Not if you do this, I'll xxxx. More like when you did this, I want to xxxx, or I did xxxx.
I remember one memorable occasion when only Babble's being shut down overnight at exactly the moment that I hit "post" saved me from sheer disaster. I said thank you in church that Sunday, although I'm not sure God actually had Dr. Bob work on the system that night just so I wouldn't post myself beyond redemption.
I know what was in my mind at the time. At least consciously. It wasn't to manipulate. It was more to say "I hurt so much. I want others to know how much I'm hurting."
It is *very* hard to give up that way of communicating pain. Especially if it was the only way to be taken seriously as you were growing up.
I'm not saying it would be ok for me to have posted what I wanted to post that night. It very much wouldn't have been ok, even if Dr. Bob didn't consider it uncivil. I'm not saying that the things I did post from time to time were ok. They weren't. In addition to having the potential for making others angry, uncomfortable, or anxious it also just wasn't the best way to convey what I wanted to convey. It wasn't a pragmatic choice. It wouldn't have gotten me what I wanted. As manipulation goes, it wouldn't have been effective at all. I really like what Linehan says about people who communicate that way. That they aren't any more manipulative than anyone else, they just aren't very effective at it.
I'm not saying that what I wanted to do, or even what I may have actually done, should be allowed under the civility rules. It probably shouldn't be.
On the other hand, I rather wish that what led to what I wanted to do wasn't allowed under the civility rules either. The civility rules just don't cover everything that can hurt a whole lot, and I think there are difficulties in trying to extend it to do that.
But I do try to keep in mind my own actions, and my own reasons, and Linehans words when I'm feeling frustrated with others who make the same choices I did, or at least that I almost did. I can't recall whether I did or didn't in actuality, and I don't think I want to remember.
poster:Dinah
thread:717121
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20061228/msgs/717233.html