Posted by Meatwood_Flack on January 2, 2013, at 21:39:32
In reply to Re: Placebo?, posted by rjlockhart37 on January 2, 2013, at 21:06:36
Source of the trauma....that's a tough one. I started experiencing minor depressions as a kid. Teachers held me up as an example because I was one of the so-called "smart kids" (In second grade, other teachers would have me come read to their second graders.) Many kids who are not singled out this way take offense, either out of feeling left out or because they don't feel like they can relate to the "smart kids." Intelligence is rarely rewarded on the playground, at least by fellow students. Poof goes self esteem. By junior high I had figured out that I could use my sense of humor to build common ground and deflect from my "egghead smartyart bookworm" status. I wasn't the most popular student in my class, but was well-liked. Music further helped my sense of self worth because I was the kid in high school who could draw a crowd at the piano by playing songs that were popular on the radio. But the underlying feeling of not measuring up remained, even if it was in the background a lot of the time. But, back in the 80's, who knew from depression, especially since I was functional, albeit kind of a glass half empty kind of dude. The low grade feeling of inferiority persisted, even though I earned a college degree and could attract people with either my music, sense of humor or writing. So, throughout the 90s and even beyond, I would periodically get down in the dumps for a little bit (never for really long) and then return to baseline, so to speak. About three years ago, I experimented over the summer with something called Spice, a legal drug that mimiced the effects of marijuana, although often more strongly. One night, while smoking alone, I had this horrible fear that I was going to kill myself. It was like I had a split screen in my mind, with the fear on one side and me on the other side, saying, "Chill out, you just smoked too much." So I didn't smoke it again for nearly a month, then tried it a few more times before experiencing the same irrational fear, not while under the influence, but the day after smoking. I was sitting in a movie theater, watching The Expendables when it hit. I was distraut over this for the next couple of days then forgot about it for several months when, at odd times, I would experience a low grade panic because the feeling or memory of the feeling would come back. These odd re-experiencings occurred at odd times during the year leading up to the onset of my depression and, in fact, at the time it hit, I was in counseling for anxiety from that, although I learned about intrusive thoughts and how to deal with them. My method that seemed to work the best was to make fun of them. Also, during this time, I made two trips to the ER for elevated blood pressure, got on medication and, in an effort to further help my blood pressure along, stopped drinking alcohol (I was a 10 beer a night man and had been drinking most nights for a number of years, while remaining functional enough to work and be a productive family member and friend). After I'd been off the alcohol for a week or so, I decided to quit a 30 year smokeless tobacco habit, as well. Two weeks into that quit, the depression landed on me like an anvil and it's been there ever since (I went back to tobacco and it didn't help except for providing light and fleeting relief for the first four or five days.) I also attempted to go to grad school a couple of years ago to become (ironically) a therapist but, due to a couple of snafus beyond my control, that path was aborted (although I always maintained plans to try again), so that may factor in, as well. It's a lot to try and tease out, how much weight to give each event, let alone how to resolve it all, as well as the question of whether or not "resolving" it all would resolve my depression.
poster:Meatwood_Flack
thread:1034506
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20121231/msgs/1034521.html