Posted by alabamaauthor on December 21, 2012, at 19:57:49
First time post, I am a writer, a published author, and I just gained the courage to join my first ever forum dealing with my disease(s). I have been ill with what I refer to as Melancholia since I can remember, perhaps as young as 5. I think I have drug resistant depression, know I have CPSTD, from childhood abuse, know I have Borderline P Disorder from my childhood abuse, know I am the scapegoat in a very dysfunctional family, oldest of four girls, grew up in a very strict southern uber-religious family, was literally beat with belts, whips, you name it, all through my Jr. Sr. years, (nude) per my father, my Mom knew of the abuse and would stand outside the door and scream for him to stop that he was going to kill me, he kept beating, as he was in every major bloody fight in WW2, a paratrooper, he was deeply and profoundly abused as a child and I deal with that most of the time, and he died and never said a kind word to me in all my years of living. My sister was my best friend, she had a double lung/heart transplant over 23 years ago and died in May, I was her caretaker by choice, as my other sisters and my Mom did not want this job, I chose it because she was everything to me, my hero, my ONLY validator, and yes she listened to me, encouraged me and helped me seek the best care for my illnesses, and she had a son with Scz-Affective Disorder, and we have two other first cousins with same. So, I need help. I have had the same therapist for 10 years, I have tried everything, been hospitalized once, and withdrew after one night because I knew I wasn't so ill to b there, it was just after my sister's death, and I drank too much and took too many Xanax. I have tried everything med wise except MOAI's(spelling) because I fear the cheese/wine allergy, I have allergies to lots of things, and asthma and lupus and have had thyroid cancer, now need hip surgery, just really blue and really need some insight into what would "you" recommend for me. I have tried many, many "talk" therapists and they seem really stupid to me, I am very spiritually connected I think, then I think maybe that is my problem. I am mostly combative in conversations when I feel I am being judged by my dysfunctional family, basically when my sister died I lost reality for several weeks and sent nasty letters to her horrible husband who she knew was cheating on her, she died in my arms, we were alone in the hospital her husband never stayed with her, it was always me with her, and I spent the last two nights alone with her. I feel guilty because I gave her a Xanax to calm her because her Drs. had her on Klonipin and she begged me for a Xanax, and now I worry it was too strong for her, I am full of sadness, and such misery, I am currently on 4 mg of alprozalam a day, when i need it, Tramadol 100 mg, which for me is the best anti-depressant I have tried. I am allergic to the "epileptic" ones, I get very puffy, I am not an addictive person, I know my limits with alcohol, and have basically stopped drinking because I know how bad it is for me, it has been the worst drug of choice for me, and it makes me "psychotic" and I say and do horrible things to those I love. I am taking 10 mg of Ambien to sleep although it doesn't help at all, the only thing I have found which helps me is Seroquel, but I am so afraid of it, and the issues with diabetes and stuff, (I tried Lithium and was allergic to it, and suffered greatly from the few weeks I was on it) Seroquel is the only thing which levels me out, even on a low dose of 25-50 Mg. it helps more than anything, with my Xanax and Tramadol, so I suppose I just needed to ask what would "you" do if you were me, I feel most days like I need to be dead, I spend most of my time in prayer asking God to let me die, I have four children and five grands and most of my children have my illness of depression and anxiety and most have had lots of breakdowns, and it is hard trying to "mother" them when I am so ill myself. My bright spot is my wonderful supportive, loving husband, who believes in me and sees the best in me, I can never see. I try to be a good person, I feel I am bad because of the abuse and the narcisstic Mother, and two evil sisters. I am in the midst of "divorcing" my Mother and two sisters as I have always been the scapegoat, the seeker of truth, the only one to tell the truth. I think I need more help than I am getting, no one can help me I think. Thank you for reading this, and any suggestions will be appreciated.
poster:alabamaauthor
thread:1033465
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20121217/msgs/1033465.html