Posted by b2chica on August 30, 2012, at 8:29:53
In reply to Re: losing streak » b2chica, posted by gadchik on August 30, 2012, at 6:02:20
i dont know how to respond to you all.
but thank you.
as for Lou..been on risp. did nothing for me. and i would not ever go med free again in my life. meds have done Nothing but help me. though struggles, and some terrible side effects. if i were med free. i'd be dead. as sure as anything.the rest of you. i cant tell you how much i appreciate your responses. i was pretty...well med max'd when i wrote it. i didnt mean to sound like i was having a pity party. but it sounds like it to me.
i went to a work friends office, he was busy and had to leave so he shut the door for me and i just cried...and cried...and cried.
then i drew my emotions in words on a piece of paper using every space on it. and folded it up and gave it to him on his desk.i came back to my office, picked up my things and left to the library. what seems to be my safe haven. i couldnt read, i couldnt write, i couldnt do homework so i just sat with a book, pretended to read and listened to relaxing music, watching children and parents go by.
i remembered all the times i've come there with my girls. i realized that my oldest would have only very little memory of me, and my youngest would have none.
i realized that right now when "daddy" yells at them, IM the one that 'makes it all better'. Im the one that rationally explains what they did wrong and HOW they can change their behavior in the future. I'm the only one that wants our children to go to the parochial school that has Excellent education. and I'm the one that shows our daughters religion and thoughts and cares about others besides ourselves.then i realize...even if i get yelled at, or hated at the moment. That i'm that pillar for the two youngest in our home. that i NEED to withstand certain things, and change what i can.
Thus last night i did not speak but basic needs to DH. Silently moved my things down to the basement. crocheted for 15 min. and zonked out.
...i had the best night sleep of a long time. and it was Not because of all the meds in my system. it was because of the silence of waking up. not worrying about being yelled at or kicked, or pushed over in the middle of the night. no snoring, and no yelling at me in the middle of the night because he found out our daughter had an accident in the bed...
i'm still quite down today. but so far only a little teary, but not near what i was yesterday.
and even though i'm kinda a failure at work these days. i'm going to keep trying.
its all i can do until i loose my job next year.thank you all
for the kind words and support.
and i think this is more psychological than medicine...i think. but who knows.
if it continues then i'll need to get apppt. but maybe a three day weekjend will help too.i really needed my family yesterday...today.
and greatly...YOU all are it.8:30am now, i'll post back later in the day.
b2"What is madness, but nobility of soul at odds with circumstance.
The day is on Fire, and i know the purity of pure despair."
Theodore Roethke
poster:b2chica
thread:1024405
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20120830/msgs/1024457.html