Posted by Dinah on July 12, 2012, at 10:00:15
In reply to Re: Re Instead.... » SLS, posted by linkadge on July 11, 2012, at 21:47:51
When I was growing up, spankings were the norm. My mother actually got criticized for not spanking me, and instead reasoning with me. The general idea was that "Because I said so." and a judicious spanking were superior to explanations.
She did, on rare occasion, lose control and was physical with me in anger. That was scary.
We raised my son the same way we were raised, minus the out of control anger. We didn't ever use physical punishment. Or even time outs, because my son was apparently extremely upset by time outs. We spoke to him about the reasons for rules, and recognized that he needed to follow rules for the right reason, not for fear of being spanked. Because we wouldn't always be around to spank him. He is a delightful young man, and more apt to follow rules than even we are. And we follow rules quite well.
My friends who were spanked don't show signs of mental illness. But I think an important component of this is societal norms. In my childhood, the norm was being willing to spank when it was considered necessary. A parent who spanked was not necessarily on the more strict side of the average. In today's society, fewer people spank, so kids who are spanked might also lie on the outer fringe of parental authoritarianism. That might cause damage that just wouldn't have come about when spankings were spoken of as expected.
I will also say that I think using reasoning and high expectations carries its own risk of mental health issues. We sometimes jokingly apologize to our son for trusting him and expecting the best from him. As well as teaching him that trust is a valuable and not unlimited commodity, not to be squandered lightly. We know the heavy burden this can be to a decent kid. We're not altogether certain it won't lead to its own issues.
I understand what you're seeing in schools, and agree that it's symptomatic of societal breakdown. But perhaps you're associating physical punishment with other hallmarks of good parenting that aren't as widespread today. Family dinners, time spent together, parental supervision and involvement. The kids who have those things today are among the best kids I've ever seen, and probably make my generation look like lazy pleasure seekers. But the kids who don't have that, and who I'm guessing make the most impression in the classroom, can make one long for the days of corporal punishment. Because one can feel so helpless and impotent confronting such a lack of respect for authority. What can you do to restore order in your classroom, when it's politically incorrect to isolate the disruptive kids so the kids who want to learn are able to do so? It's unfair and it's frustrating.
That being said, I can't imagine using physical discipline on my son. But admittedly kids are born with different temperaments. I always say that what works for an Italian Greyhound just is not appropriate for a Boxer, and vice versa. I like to think that even the more boisterous kids could be trained to proper respect for others without resorting to physical measures.
(And as you quite rightly say, spanking was often the easier punishment. A quick slap on the rump and it was over. While groundings, or in the case of my son - lectures, last a good deal longer. So maybe you could see them as even more stringent punishment.)
poster:Dinah
thread:1021056
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20120630/msgs/1021197.html