Posted by b2chica on July 11, 2012, at 15:26:13
i think i analyze myself too much.
-am i feeling bad
-am i feeling better
-am i feeling good enough
-should i be feeling better
-can i get better
-i'll never get any better
-and back to am i feeling badthen throw in the psychological issues i have. dissociation, rumination, CA, SA, memory issues.
how the h&ll am i Ever supposed to get better* and by better i mean to a point in my life that i'm not so damn focused on my mental health.
when will the "issues" die down.
when will i get 'stable'.
when can i deal with life like everyone else!!i think i'm trying to kill myself.
i've been slowly all week upping my amount of alcohol intake along with meds.
last night was my last straw, i dont even remember how much gabapentin and xanax i took and i drank 2.5 bottles of wine.
i went on to pray to porcelein for what seemed like 4 hours. not sure how long really but seemed like forever. passed out while hugging it.
hubby woke me up, i threw up once more and went to bed.i feel like crap. but my mood seems only slightly low, except that i keep thinking of death. and how i wished i wouldnt have thrown up all my pills i took. and how i wished i wouldnt have woken up and it would have looked like a total accident.
i see pdoc on sat.
cant even face him. i think i hit bottom.i keep thinking if i add a little desipramine it might help, but i also keep thinking how tca's are the more fatal than ssri's (newer meds).
b2"What is madness, but nobility of soul at odds with circumstance.
The day is on Fire, and i know the purity of pure despair."
Theodore Roethke
poster:b2chica
thread:1021145
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20120630/msgs/1021145.html