Re: I can't take it anymore! **warn SI triggers** » jerryTRD

> I'm not suicidal, but I am tired REALLY tired- physically and emotionally of trying to find "the perfect med cocktail" for the last 20 years.
>
> First, meds I've been on @ therapeutic dosages for 6-12 weeks trail at least:
>
> ANTI-DEPRESSANTS:
> Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, Luvox, Cymbalta, Effexor, Wellbutrin Amitriptyline, Nortriptyline., Ascendin, Serzone, Imipramine, Lexapro, Celexa, Remeron, Nardil, Trazadone
>
> ATYPICAL ANTI-PYSCHOTICS
> Seroquel, Zyprexa, Abilify, Geodon
>
> MOOD STABILIZERS
> Neurontin, Lithium, Depakote, Carbamazepine, Lamictal
>
> ANTI-ANXIETY AGENTS:
> Ativan, buSpar (a joke), Klonopin, Xanax, Librium, Valium, Atarax
>
> ADJUNCT MEDS:
> Adderall, Dexedrine, Ritalin, Concerta, Provigil, Cytomel
>
> OFF-LABEL TREATMENTS:
> Hydrocodone (opioid), AndroGel (testosterone)
>
> SLEEP MEDS:
> Ambien, Ambien CR, Trazadone, Seroquel, Ativan, Klonopin, Lunesta, Sonata, Nembutal, Mirapex, Chloral Hydrate
>
> MISC TREATMENTS:
> ECt (8 treatments), VNS implant -Vegal Nerve Stimulator ( I was in the first large scale national trials. Has it in for about 2 years and eventually had it removed for a couple of reasons one being it had NO effect on my depression.
>
> THERAPY
> Group therapy, CBT, DBT, Talk Therapy for 20 years.
>
> So that's about it - hope I didn't leave anything out. I've seen countless psychiatrists who either try me with another med or refer me along to another pdoc - for 20 years.
>
> WHAT DOES SEEM TO HELP YOU JERRY? ANYTHING?
> A: I've found over the years I do best on an SSRi or SNRI + stimulant + benzo + sleep med + OPIATE!!!!
>
> as I posted in an earlier post - MY MAIN SYMPTOMS ARE:
> Anhedonia, extremely low motivation, hypersomnia, sexual dysfunction, hopelessness, constant fatigue (without a stimulant usually), lethargy, insomnia, no enjoyment in anything.
>
> HAVE YOU HAD BLOOD WORK DONE TO RULE OUT ANY BIOLOGICAL PROBLEMS?
> A: Yes- found out my TSH was out of whack so I'm on 150 mcg Synthroid.
>
> Found my testosterone is low -so am on AndroGel (50mg).
>
> Found I have VERY VERY VERY mild sleep apnea, In fact I say my pulmonologist today and he basically said "Why are you here?" Because I had about 4 Hypopneas (a medical term for a disorder which involves episodes of overly shallow breathing or an abnormally low respiratory rate. This differs from apnea in that there remains some flow of air. Hypopnea events may happen while asleep or while awake.) Since Hypopneas don't cause one to stop breathing - they are not as severe as apneas.
>
> I asked him "So, how come for 20 years I've never gotten a good night's sleep to where I feel rested in the morning?" His answer - "I dunno." So he referred me to get fitted for a CPAP but said losing weight would probably help me more than using a CPAP.
>
> I am on Disability for my depression and it is my only source of "income." I have Medicaid and Medicare so my meds are paid for except if it's an off-lable use - then they say -NO WAY - unless you can prove you have the symptoms the specific med is supposed to treat. That's why I can't get Adderall XR or Vyvanse - I don't have ADD or Narcolepsy.
>
> SO that's my life story for the past 20 years. I'm 38 now. I've missed out on 20 years. Sleeping, isolating, yada yada yada....
>
> So how would a small town Psychiatrist even know where to begin with me?! My current pdoc is good - he puts up with my many calls requesting for med changes - but he'd rather work with dosages than add another med. And he's never been one to say "Ok - let's look at your symptoms and see if we can find a psych med match - even if it includes using older meds (tricyclics). And he likes to do things one at a time - so change one med, wait 2-3 months then either try another or keep it and add another - and wait another 2-3 months, etc etc.....I can handle multiple med changes but I don't know how to prove this to him.
>
> SO I'm at the end of my rope. I feel hopeless - how can I tell myself that they may find a new med that helps when all the meds I've tried have touted the same thing?
>
> What if I wanted to completely ditch my current med combo and switch to a tricyclic, a different stimulant, a better benzo than Klonopin - like Valium or Ativan - which has always worked the best for me. How would I break it to my pdoc?
>
> I mean right now I'm not suicidal but my shades are down and I intend to sleep as long as I can tomorrow and the next day ,etc., because there's no hope - Therapy for 20 years + Meds for 20 years and I'M NOWHERE BETTER THAN WHERE I WAS 20 YEARS GO. I don't believe in doctors anymore.
>
> I want to be looking on the outside instead of always on the inside - you know? I want to laugh. I want natural motivation. I want to experience joy. I want to enjoy doing the things I used to derive enjoyment. I want my SEX LIFE BACK!!!!!!!!!! I want to fall asleep with in 15 minutes every night. I want to spend my life with someone. - etc etc etc
>
> I don't see any light at the end of this tunnel. So I sleep and sleep because I don''t want to die - but if I happened to die in my sleep that'd be ok.
>
>
> I really cannot take it anymore.
>
> If I'm doing something wrong God, please let me in on the joke?
>
> I'm tired.....time for hibernation. Good Night everyone.
>
> Jerry
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Jerry..we are close to same age...okay well I am a bit on the more aged side, at 41..heh. Our situations are so much alike, and I may sound like I have answers, but honestly, I wake up every day still usually feeling anywhere from hardly functional to total sh*t. I can't stand f***ing mornings...never have, never will. I am now unemployed again, living off of a bit of severance (not much) then Employment Insurance, (not much either..)..and at my age, living in my parent's basement.

I've been turned down for every job I've applied to in my field over the past 9 years (exception of one)...as I actually had been choosen for the job, BUT when they checked my references, they find the one where I had a boss who thought my depression was an excuse. Now, a few weeks ago, I was *let go* because I got angry at a co-worker and told him to f**k off a couple of times. They said I had commited *Violence in the workplace*..so there again goes the old stereotype...us (people!) must be both insane AND violent..and they got away with it, because I couldn't afford a lawyer to fight it in court. So they offered me a measly few thousand dollar *buyout*, after 8 years there. They couldn't accept the fact that EVERYBODY has a bad day once in awhile, and the word f**k is in the dictionary. And I agree, it should be used with some discresion...but it doesn't make me **violent**.

About the meds..I too have really no answer my friend. Luckily, my doc likes to treat symptoms, and we go through 100 meds if we have to until I find some kind of relief. I really think I suffer from a bit of dysphoria/dystonia from my years of both SSRI and AP use...but I wouldn't have changed those...because I used to rapid cycle so bad, within an hour I'd go through 70 plans to commit suicide.

I don't have much in the way of answers, man...I am sorry. Only when I was hypomanic did I want to bang every chick I could find. Androgel is so hit-and-miss. I so badly want a loving relationship too.

Dx= BP II, leaning more towards major dysphoric mania, and intensive anxiety.

Prozac 80mg qd
Lyrica: 150mg bid
Topomax: 100mg bid
Risperidal: d/c
Abilify 5mg HS
Clonazepam: 1mg qid

Re: I can't take it anymore! warn SI triggers » jerryTRD

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