Posted by Enigma on September 18, 2010, at 16:58:35
I really wish the subject line could be longer. (rant)
Anyway, long story short
1) Nardil for 1 to 1.5 years, was failing, pooping out, was sick of the side-effects anyway, wanted to switch to Selegeline (again)2) Supposed to wait 2 weeks (I guess after titrating? down off Nardil), but only waited one for fear of what I call suicidal crying attacks - no other way to describe them really. Only had 4 in my life. Asked my psychologist about them, and he was stumped. I was like WTF? It's NOT a crying spell, it's pretty much, unexplainable unless you actually see someone having one, or experience it for yourself (the latter being the only way to really understand it, is to experience it).
Sorry I must digress - About these attacks - You feel like something is "wrong". Nothing happened.. You're watching tv, playing a video game... Doesn't matter I guess. The worst one I had, I was playing a video game. Suddenly, my eyes started to cross, and everything went blurry. I couldn't really make out my computer screen so I decided to take a nap. I had no idea what was going on. I was on Nardil at the time.
I lied down in bed, soon after, started to hyperventilate, badly. Couldn't catch my breath. My chest felt tight, then, sadness, extreme sadness. Loss, grief, misery, actually, words don't do the feelings justice. Imagine walking into your house, coming home from work, and finding your entire family murdered, wife, children, ec, in the worst possible way. Even that doesn't describe the feeling my brain was sending me. I was balling, not crying, balling my eyes out, loud, almost like yelling, unable to speak, dreadful unbelievable pain, feelings of suicide, completely overwhelming you.. You wanted to get a gun and shoot yourself in the head just to stop the pain. It was unbearable. I can't stress that enough. My wife, we're separated but live together wanted to call and ambulance, but I knew there was nothing they could do, possibly sedate me. That's about it. nothing she could do. I told her to leave.. I didn't want her to see me like that... especially the kids. The pain was not centered around anything specific, it was just pure sadness, grief, hopelessness, wanting to die.. I got violent even, ripped a drawer out of a dresser and threw it across the room because I was so angry that this was happening to me and I didn't know why. Nobody knew why. I fixated on a women, I loved, which made me more sad, because we were never able to connect (long story) and I just wanted her to be there to hug me and make the pain stop. I wanted to die so badly and I can't even describe it in words. The was unbearable. The only thing that saved me, and it wasn't my kids, it was that I knew this "attack" wasn't going to last forever. I had 3 before this, but not this painful. I just had to fight it and wind out clock - I dunno, it's that s port term, I hate sports..especially watching it on tv.. omg..After about 40 mins of lying on the ground in fetal position, gasping for air, balling my eyes out, sounding like I was dying (I first thought I was having a heart attack), I started to slow down, slowly, breathing normally, it took a while, then I cried, more normally, slowly, for another hour or so, and maybe 30 mins later, took some sleeping pills (have insomnia too), was finally able to go to sleep.
I haven't had "an attack" like that since, but I've cried scores of times since then, starting 3 months ago. I don't remember when the attack was. Maybe 6 months ago? It's impossible to say. Life moves at a snails pace for me. I'm in pain, 24/7, now my stomach, and with chronic headaches, both, 24/7. No med has helped. No doctor has helped. Still trying to find answers. Have not found any.
Back to my original post.
So where was I...
2)? So I waited only 1 week, for fear of another one of these attacks. Any time I went off my meds in the last 10 years, I would become suicidal, within just a few days. So, I didn't have the luxury of waiting 2 weeks without meds, or so I thought.3) After one week, day 1, 1 pill of Selly (as I call it). I forget the dose. 4 pills was the highest dose, so, you guys figure it out. Day 2, I think I took 1 again. Day 3, I went to 2 pills. Day four, bad day for me... I went to 3 pills, BIG MISTAKE. Ever since I did this, I've had an extreme headaches, not as bad as some rare migraines I've had, but still, really BAD. I quit the Selly, cold Turkey. Probably another BIG MISTAKE.. maybe, I just should have went down to 2 pills, then 1, then none.
Well, ever since then, I think it's been 3 weeks now. Headache, 24/7. It really doesn't ever go away. Had a catscan and such.. nada, for results. Been to the hospital for temporary relief only. Got some vicatin. It helped, but no longer. Got a refill from my PCP. Sometimes they worked, other times they didn't. No other pain reliever did anything for the headaches. Nothing. My entire head throbs. I have no sensitivity to light, but I do have Nausea, but that came later, and I think that's a different problem entirely due to stomach pain, that started a few weeks earlier, and that pain is 24/7, no meds have helped. Got an upper endoscopy, they said my stomach was all red and irritated, biopsies returned no results. They told me NOTHING. I asked, got no answers, only STUPID looks. They think it was acid, and still do. Got a prescription antacid, no help there. Got Omeprezole?.. that did nothing. Gave them a chance too.. went up on the doses, went to my pcp, no answers, no help, no suggestions.. went to another gastro guy.. no help, no answers, no suggestions.
Tried taking a pill of Selly here and there to see if they would stop the headaches (who knows?), some withdrawal, some mix of two MAOI's?, I dunno. Nothing worked.
Even my Nardil sweating/overheating/body's inability to cool itself side effect, still in effect, and been off nardil for weeks now. Still can't sleep either, another happy side-effect from Nardil that hasn't gone away. Are they ever going to go away? And very sadly, I even cried over this.. I think my mania has returned.. I started bi-polar, 17 years ago, then 10 years it turned into major depressive disorder. Now my racing thoughts seem to be returning, my rage, and anger are back.. my irritability is back. Insomnia is back.. lack of need for sleep is back, or some cross-over with Nardil's insomnia side-effect.
What's going on with my stomach?
What's going on with these headaches? It even hurts behind my eyes and sinus area? Tried sinus meds (now that I can take them again without dying), nothing. No effect.
Sleeping pills Ambien, Ambien CR, Lunesta, OTC stuff, Melatonin, some herbal junk, NOTHING, no effect..
For the past 1.5 years I had to take 3 different drugs to sleep at night.
I never slept well either. Woke up so many times at night.Going for a gastric emptying test on Monday. Test has been canceled twice on me already, then I couldn't sleep due to stomach pain, and had to eat a couple slices of bread (sometimes helps, mostly doesn't). So, I couldn't go to the test, again. 3rd time, now I had to cancel.
PCP says the stomach pain could be IBS, since I go from constipation to diarrhea, back and forth for years now.. He said the depression could have caused it, but the sites I looked up specifically said depression does NOT cause IBS, IBS can be made WORSE by depression. BIG difference.
Where do doctors get their degrees from these days? Supermarket gumball machines?...but Nardil and other drugs cause constipation, sooo, who knows. I looked up IBS, NOT one site (real sites, mayo clinic, etc) said it causes STOMACH pain and acid, abdominal pain, constipation and diarrhea sure, but not one time did it mention nausea (which started a week ago), or stomach (entire stomach) pain.
I don't think they are migraines either. The migraines I did have, ages ago, hurt MUCH worse, like my head was going to explode, and I did have light sensitivity, and vision disturbances before hand. I don't have that now.
A 'friend' is convinced I have Lyme disease. I dunno. I really don't think I do. He's driving me insane. I'll get tested, if they'll my PCP will do it, but he think any unexplained illness is Lyme. He's nuts.
What I really don't understand is why I'm not suicidal right now? I'm not taking any meds *AD's*, for the first time in 10 years. I've never been able to do that. I'm not happy, not even close. I'm miserable. I hate life. I hate people. I don't want to be alive, but I'm not suicidal. (I know, that doesn't make sense, kinda). I still cry, but that's because I'm lonely, my marriage is a joke, and I lost 20 years of my life to it, because I'm an idiot, and married my wife for the wrong reasons. I don't want to grow old, I don't enjoy anything, literally. Nothing. Now, with added physical pain, I don't even know how to pass the time during the day. I'm imprisoned in the house. I don't want to go outside, ever. But I do want to leave, and never come back, until I probably, I would imagine would miss my children, but the way I feel now, I don't even enjoy their company..which I can't even stand admitting.
I don't believe I'll ever find the woman I want, and that has nothing to do with negative thinking or anything like that. In 20 years, I found one woman that I thought was a perfect match for me. Seriously. 20 years. After I met her, things got worse. Dating sites nearly ended me. (long story).. so, I'm not "chemically" suicidal, I'm "logically" suicidal. I don't understand what happened to the chemical side..That's why I was on med to begin with.
I could make a list, that would pretty much make sense to anyone.
Really short list for example - every friend, minus like 2, f-ed me over and abandoned me when i got sick, when I needed them most, and 10 more stories like that about "friends", being blown off, people not being there for you, selfish people... oh jeez, don't get me started. Oh yeah, this started in high school, well before I even was bipolar.
I was a better friend, by about 200x to EVERY friend I've ever had. Why? Why not.. it's who I am. So, unselfish, I got trampled on, people took advantage me, used me, hurt me, dropped me when they didn't need me anymore. Make stuff up.. I'm pretty sure it's happened to me. I have 0 faith in people. 0 trust. I don't even like being called human anymore. It associated me them, and I'm not them. I never was. I was kind, sensitive, caring, different, from day 1. Everyone else, well, wasn't.
Been in an unfulfilled, unhappy marriage for 15 years. I should have left 10 year ago... But no.. I'm too nice. That's what got me into this mess to being with. Wasted my life. Now I'm 41. Look great for my age, in shape, but who cares. Women don't. I'm handsome, again, who cares? Women want young and cute. That doesn't help me, at all. Do they want an incredible person on the inside and a good looking guy on the outside, no.. CUTE.. that's it. At least in New England.
So there's 2 big things..
1) no friends - haven't talked to a real person (that wasn't paid to be there - like at a bar (waitress, bartender), Walmart (cashier, pharmacy staff), IN PERSON for longer than I can remember. I don't leave the house.2) In constant pain, mental and physical. I don't even talk to anyone on the phone
3) I HATE my family. All 2 of them. Karma already took my dad. Not sure why the other 2 are still alive. I don't really believe in Karma.. The rest, I love, but they live 1/2 way across the planet, and I don't speak the language so well anymore, or have any money to go there.
4) No one to love me, no one to love - that's not gonna change - please don't humor me and respond, yes it will.. I'm not stupid.. I've been trying to find someone for YEARS, and that's WITHOUT them even knowing I'm sick, don't have a job, on disability, etc, etc, etc. So yeah, like I'm gonna find an actual pretty, intelligent, caring, ANGEL of a women, that's gonna actually give me a chance, let ME be the homemaker, see past all that, to see my real personality. Sorry, no offense to women, but uhm, they don't make them that way. If they do, I'd sooner hit the lottery than find the only PRETTY girl like that, that does exist... still, I don't she does.
So, why am I still alive.
3 reasons, really, just 1
I have 3 children... If I die, they lose a father. Unfortunately, they've lost their dad, years ago, and that's me.. it's a metaphor. He died when the depression kicked in overdrive. So, we barely speak as it is. I spend no time with them. I'm to sick. I'm usually in bed all day.
If I died, I don't really think they would lose that much. I'm afraid of a few other things.
1) They wouldn't understand. (ages range from 5 to 12) They may never understand, even if I make them videos like I had planned. So they can watch me talk to them as they age.2) They could be emotionally damaged for life.
3) There's a good change some jerkoffs in school (I met many and beat the hell out of most of them) who will make fun of them because their father commit suicide, nuff said there... I had so much rage from being made fun of (yeah, I'm white, don't look foreign, at all... My name is, my parents have accents or 1 still does.. that was enough for the ignorant morons in neighborhood and town to grill me, gang up on me and family for years. I got in more fist-fights than I can count. The 2 blacks in my school put up with 100x less BS then I did. Seriously.. no lie.
4) My wife, is a loser. yeah.. sorry.. how much easier can I put that. 2 years of college in a useless degree - so, what do I mean? I make 30k+, the + isn't too much more, on disability. I used to make 100k as a software engineer.
If I die, how are they going to survive? On welfare? like I really want to do that to my kids? I don't really care about my wife.. because 1/2 of this mess is her damn fault. Actually almost all of it is. She should have NEVER married me. She KNEW, and I don't care WHAT she says, that I didn't love her. I've talked to plenty of women about this, and well, I'm going WAY off topic.
Every girl I dated and didn't click with, took nothing to get rid of (that's me at 19 talking, not me now.), but not her. I told her, point blank, I wasn't interested, but nooooo..and it just worse from there. She was a leech, and wouldn't leave me alone, no matter how badly I treated, no matter what I did. She basically guilt-tripped into marrying her, true story.. swear to god, if I believed in one.
Oh well, that killed some time anyway.
If you any answers.. throw them my way. I lost. In more ways than one.
poster:Enigma
thread:962918
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20100917/msgs/962918.html