Posted by kirbyw on August 9, 2010, at 22:49:19
First and foremost, this a wonderful Group. Dr. Bob has done a wonderful thing. From late September of last year to about two months ago I was on the forum anywhere from once a day to ten times a day. (Perhaps there is a record of the number of visits made from my ISP to the site)
I was searching for answers to a crippling depression. I had been relatively free from depression for over 20 years but it returned with a vengeance beginning July 31st, 2009.
I treated it with Parnate, had a very unsuccessful attempt with Remeron and utilized Lithium briefly. Nothing worked. Nothing changed.I was 61, unemployed lonely, single, isolated, living in a foreign country, recovering reasonably well from open heart surgery, etc, etc.
Problems seemed overwhelming. I could not afford to move back to the U.S. although I was never confident that that was a solution.I read hundreds maybe thousands of postings searching for answers. I posted perhaps 30-40 times in 9 months.
In January of 2010, I made some decisions.
1) i found a therapist in Costa Rica, i had been out of therapy since I moved here 20 years ago and had been highly skeptical of finding a therapist who would understand the complexities of my life, given the differences in my cultural background, etc.2) I began to attend a mental health self help group that was not easy to find. This was not as good as individual therapy but it got me out of the house at night and was an activity
3) I overcame certain inhibitions and began to attend a gay men's social group on Saturday afternoons.
4) I wrote a proposal for a project in my field of specialization, which is public health.
5) I decided to stop taking Vicodin for prostate pain, and I went twice a week for several months to NA groups. But my Vicodin dose had always been two pills per day maximum. So it wasn't hard to stop. I took my last Vicodin on Jan. 6, 2010.
6) I decided to be more pro active about starting to date.
7) I never stopped taking Parnate, as much as 40 mg per day, and sometimes 30 mg per day. During 6 weeks I took it with Lithium but didn't see any impact from the Lithium. I trusted the Parnate which I had taken for perhaps an average of 8 months out of the year for the past 27 years.
Things began to change. In May, my proposal was accepted. not much money but finally a job. my anxiety level rose because this meant that I had to be able to do the work.
I became a "regular" at the gay social group and began to join the group members going out to dinner or to a bar after the group. I felt accepted by the group.
In therapy i worked on issues that I hadn't touched in 20 years.
From January through about June 15th the depressio continued with still many days of feeling suicidal at least part of the day. But I was also aware that i had made conscious decisions to make changes.
I continued to attend the mental health support group, sometimes twice a week.
I dropped the NA groups. I had no desire anymore for Vicodin, and I have never tried crack, coke, ecstasy,etc, nor do I drink alcohol. I really felt like I was there looking for friends more than wanting or needing to "work the program" So I let it go. The people I was trying to befriend were in a life or struggle, but it was not my struggle, which was depression, not drugs, and I probably had no right to be there if I was there to meet people and not work the program, as they say.
I began to enjoy my job. The endogenous part of the depression was always there, somewhat responsive to the parnate but it never lifted completely.
Until one night after the gay group when I sat next to a younger attractive guy who put his leg against mine. We talked and became good friends but never went to bed. But the moment that I felt the depression life, was the moment that my leg touched Melvin's for maybe an hour during our conversation.
From the next morning on, (this was June 15th) I realized that it was lonliness that was killing me more than anything else.
I kept up my program of individual and group therapy and increased my level of social activities. The platonic relationship with Melvin, was frustrating (since I was so physically attracted to him)_ but even without the sex, it was tremendously energizing like a boyhood crush.
Along with the energized feeling, the boyhood crush, I noticed that the endogenous features of the depression began to life with greater and greater frequency. Although it still never occurred to me to stop the Parnate. I did resolve to stop my habit of watching porn on the internet at night and masturbating (twice a week or so) becaues I realize that my libido was stimulating me to meet people, and masturbation affected my libido.
The end of Parnate (temporarily or longer I hope) simply came about as a result of a simple dentist's appointment. As I always do and even though dental anesthesia is safe, I stopped my Parnate 3 days before the appointment, worried about the impace of this.
Much to my surprise there was no change in my mood. I stayed my normal self. This was about June 15th, now two months ago. Since that day I have taken no more Parnate.
Stopping Parnate is an upper as long as you don't have crippling depression. there are no more sexual side effects, no insomnia, I can't eat without the worry of a hypertensive crisis, I don't have to worry about drug interactions, etc. etc. etc. Parnate is a wonderful drug with some miserable consequences. So now I am two months Parnate free.
I now work hard on my job, and am rather instensively dating someone, which feels real good.
I still go to individual therapy and to the self support groups. But the groups I go to kind out of loyalty and not so much out of need. But I want the group to be there for me if and when I need it again. So I go.
I still participate even more actively in the gay social group, and held a party for everyone here at my apartment 3 weekends ago.I have probably visited psychobabble maybe once or twice in the past month. I don't feel the curiousity or intensive need that I felt. This is fine I think. Its there if and when I need it.
So my not participating as before in terms of reading so many posts is not negative. Its a result of a diminishing need to be on the site.
I dont know how true this for other babblers who just diaappear from time to time.I also cannot say that I am not in a biological cycle that could change without any apparent cause. This was the belief of my treating Psychiatrist in chicago many years ago. That it wasn't real life events but a biochemical cycle. I always disagreed somewhat with this interpretaton, because I feel that these real life events, like getting a job, a boyfriend, keeping busy, being out of the house much more, etc have been a major factor in my improvement.
I don't count any unhatched chickens. I find it miraculous that I feel as good as I do. I feel capble of monitoring myself to know that if a signficant depression develops that I will start on the parnte again.
I feel that psychobabble is there when I need it.
It was interesting to return tonight and read a few complete threads, but I felt totally different than I did 3 - 0 months ago. I don't really seem to "need" it at this moment, so I have mostly disappeared.anyway, that is my story for the moment.
Rick in Costa Rica
Please esxuse as this has not been proof read. I am falling asleep....and need to send this before I collapse int sleep.Simcere;u.
Rick fromCostaRica.
poster:kirbyw
thread:958110
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20100731/msgs/958110.html