Posted by violette on June 22, 2010, at 19:38:52
In reply to Re: anyone here had neuropsychological testing done? » violette, posted by g_g_g_unit on June 21, 2010, at 4:09:39
Yeah I was just kidding about calling your Mom. :)
Reading about the descriptions of PDs is like reading astrology-Pisces, Aquarius, Taurus, or Scorpio. Hardly anyone fits into one category, but most people can find one or some traits in all of them that they can relate with. It's not very useful imo...
Whether you are a 'hyperchondriac' sometimes to relieve anxiety or to try to get dependency needs met--you totally seem cluster C to me! Basically, I think these traits are dynamic, but representing aspects of self and defense mechanisms, rather than 'seprate disorders': avoidant, OCD, anxiety, dependency, schizoid, social anxiety, schizotypal, dissociation, depersonalization = ways to deal with fear resulting from attachment issues.
If you were mostly narcissistic, you probably wouldn't have said about 10 things I'd read in your posts - such as being disrespectful to a therapist-worried about their feelings, or thinking your Mom and PDoc have good intentions for you, seeing shortcomings in yourself...Wanting others to like you and developing friendships to get your needs met is just wanting to be connected to people; not necessarily a narcissistic defense.
"the problem is that because i suffer from OCD, reassurance can be deadly. ideally i could sit talking to a therapist for hours about everything that's happening to me, but that can also function as an avoidance tactic to not have to deal with the OCD...."
Regardless if you have dependency, OCD issues, or other symptoms, my experience with CBT practitioners is that talking about it like you just described is an avoidance tactic against feeling emotions. Intellectualiztion=talking is a defense just like OCD. Did CBT help you after a year? Supposedly CBT is best for anxiety/OCD. Well maybe it is for some, but it made me worse. The difference is thinking vs. feeling. Talking about psychological aspects of yourself and life is totally different than experiencing feelings. You have to feel safe and develop a relationship with a T before you can share those inner feelings. Your self, your inner core state, is what needs healed so that you no longer have to use defenses to avoid feelings. CBT reinforces blocking emotions-blocking out your inner state. The problem is, anxiety/OCD also is a way to block emotions.
I keep thinking you have an attachment issue like most who get new symptoms upon starting or ending a relationship with a person. This stuff usually comes out when you get older and is hard to pinpoint until then; now that you are older, it might become more clear. What you described when going on that date sounds like terror. She activated your attachment system, which is why you 'lost your affect'. it was terrifying to think of getting close to someone. Holding on to your intellect kept your defenses in tact until then. That's not necessarily narcissistic-but a sign of not being allowed to be your true self as a child. The intellect helped you contian your self; relate to the world; then dissolved/fragmented upon feeling an awarenss of your inner child state. I know you don't like to read about schizoid, but if you scroll down to the part in this article about psychotherapy, it describes how/why developing trust first in therapy is so important.
http://www.psychologytribe.com/schizoid.pdf
Schizoid is sometimes viewed as a childhood development state-much like narcissism, where all children experience being 'narcissistic". I think a lot of people having underlying schizoid fears (and after reading this article, I think I'm a bit more schizoid than I had previously thought-projecting my fears on my T-always telling my T I feel like I'm going to overwhelm him with my feelings.)
Schizoid is basically a fear of being too close and a fear of being alone at the same time. It's not a 'personality type' like you read in that DSM. You can get more schizoid tendencies if your mother, for example, was someone always watching eery move you make-intrusive, not letting you explore on your own, not letting you 'be yourself', make decisions, looking through your stuff all the time/searching your room, not giving you freedom/respecting your boundaries...etc. (If your Mom is like that-don't get a female T!). Basically being overprotective so strongly does not fulfill developmental needs or leave room for emotional growth-it reinforces a pattern of not developing a strong self (you are not allowed to be yourself and it is bad to be yourself)-being comfortable with yourself and how you relate to others. Smothering you. So later in life, it's scary to reveal your feelings and be yurself since you developed a lifetime habit of repressing yourself since a parent never let you be autonomous.
But it is important for someone to understand aspects of your inner core state before you can open up. The fact that you could not tell your PDoc you have DP is major...A psychodynamic therapist, one who understands attachment issues and trained with childhood development, could do just that. If you end up with a therapist trying to 'change you', it reinforces feelings of low self worth (the confidence you describe); being defective; not being accepted as you are....you are defective so you must change. When a T understands and accepts your inner state and fears, it truly does create real and lasting change from within. No one forces it on you, no one tells you to change; the feelings emerge, are accepted, processed, and understood, leading to more insights and finally integration of the self.
In fact, I was getting angry at your Mom and PDoc when I was reading that article--as if you were unable to get angry at them, so I felt it for you. I realize you can't tell your PDoc what's going on...and maybe you present yourself totally differently in person, or maybe I'm not seeing the big picture here, but it upsets me that your PDoc does not know what is going on inside of you.
poster:violette
thread:951460
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20100615/msgs/951900.html