Posted by zonked on May 29, 2010, at 20:59:39
Sometimes, I feel like this place is the only place I can be understood...
Was thinking a lot today, as I have had a partial response to Marplan and didn't get what I truly felt I needed--a dose increase. Yeah, I've only been on 40mg for almost two weeks; what is frustrating to me is that with Parnate and Nardil (respectively), I could tell whether or not a dose increase had any effect within four days...
I had to move out of county because of an abusive living situation I was in, and do not see my new permanent psychiatrist until June 10...
(In California, Medicaid [called Medi-Cal here] is based on the county you live in, and you can only see doctors in your home county.)
The person who prescribed my Marplan is a NP at the crisis clinic. I went back armed with the dosing info from Marplan's website, which says after 40mg/day, dosage can be increased weekly from 40mg "if needed and tolerated.". As I've said in the Marplan update post, it took very large doses of Nardil and Parnate (respectively) for me to get a robust AD response...
Is an increase needed? I really, really think so. Tolerated? I have had no side effects from this drug.
So, I *know inside* that it's good that, at least sometimes, I can *somewhat* enjoy things like I used to, as opposed to being a suicidal blob 100% of the time who can't decide whether being awake or asleep is worse; but waiting is also painful.
It's like I know I'm 20-30% there, but can't even know if I am going to hit at least 80% until after June 10? Why can't I get the staff there to look at the things I bring them? I know they have to look Marplan up and that they probably are used to patients on more conventional drugs, but I am not being heard.
I can only hope that I don't grow too frustrated with waiting over the next couple weeks--I rather imagine it'd be like someone with severe physical pain only getting partial relief and being told to suffer through it for an equivalent period of time.
I feel embarrassed to even be complaining... I've had the depressive cloud over my head all day, and just drank some coffee because all I have is Klonopin, and it sedates me too much, even at 0.5mg; and I don't want to go to bed early and wake up at 4:30 tomorrow, like I have been doing.
I am in a residential mental health program, and while I am being forced to take basic care of myself, I don't think the staff here have been adequately educated on what treatment resistant depression is like. No amount of walks, deep breathing, eating healthy, or group therapy has done anything but, at best, provide a tiny bit of distraction and at worst make me more frustrated because I am continually told these things will make me feel better when in fact they have not, and believe me, I have kept an open mind about them.
My goal, which I believe reasonable, is remission, not mild symptom reduction. And I cannot get there without medical help. I am repeatedly told by those around me that "it's not just the meds" (DUH, even I know that, even in remissions I still needed therapy and guts to face my issues--the pills are not panacea), but they do provide the foundation upon which I can continue working on myself....
I am sorry if this is random and whiny, but I need an outlet and I know people in here, if nowhere else, can relate.
-z
poster:zonked
thread:949457
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20100524/msgs/949457.html