Posted by uncouth on October 2, 2009, at 22:10:09
In reply to Re: ED on Wellbutrin and Agomelatine - what gives?! » uncouth, posted by Phillipa on October 2, 2009, at 21:18:29
i just moved back to SF after 6 months back home with my parents. the last time i was here was before my 22 rounds of ECT. I thought I had fully recovered from ECT but back in the city there are some definite deficits in spatial memory. It feels like the last time I was here was 10 years ago, not 6 months.
I'm afraid, living on my own again, trying to rebuild my life, looking for a (good) job that I can be engaged in, and grieving over the past losses. And of course the depression. Thankfully, the obsessive suicidal thoughts stopped about 1.5 weeks ago. But i'm scared...lonely...sad for myself...ashamed of being sad for myself...and full of regrets.
But i'm pushing onward. This wasn't the life I expected for myself, not the one I worked hard for, not what people expected of me...but I'm pushing nonetheless. Sometimes I don't know why or for what but I guess that's just the hopelessness. And half the problem is that I dwell on depression so much....on PB, on pubmed...it's become the center of my existence. When other things should be...career...love...and of course God...but for me, it's this depression.
I just wish I could be normal, social, enjoy life, accept, move on, be hopeful, ambitious, romantic, responsible. The sad thing is that to the outside observer, I have the full capacity to be all these things. But looking from the inside-out, it's a different story. But I know i'm not the only one. I don't know what it is -- I accept and trust in biology, but those treatments haven't made me well and haven't changed the trajectory of my life in 6 years. And therapy, same deal, all these insights, the hour a week of baring my soul...and still, same conflicts, same problems, same repeated patterns. It feels imprisoning. But, I hope things get better. Funny I don't focus my prayers on asking God to heal my depression anymore. I don't think it's a lack of faith in his power...i'm just frustrated, and feel as though perhaps this is my lot in life...at least in this life.
Uncouth over and out for now.
poster:uncouth
thread:919459
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20091001/msgs/919476.html