Posted by Ceran on September 24, 2009, at 3:39:53
In reply to Depression or existential despair? So lost..., posted by uncouth on September 23, 2009, at 18:55:14
uncouth... I am somewhat like you. instead of business i am in a foreign medical school that my parents payed for me to get me into. my challenges are ahead of me ...i will have to try to return with the degree back to north america, but i dont really feel motivated
i have always been unhappy with how I look, with my demanding, strict and controlling father, with my lack of independance, with my lack of social and sexual development (no, not puberty) which only began in university.
maybe its me being too comfortable, selfish, whiny, whatever - well actually im sure it is. but i am convinced that im a sum of my genetic and upbringing parts and that i was broken before i reached my 20s. i long to have the core confidence, the self-assuredness of my colleagues, always ready with some story or anecdote, INTERESTING.
suicidal thoughts are like a drug, if you are negative in that way for such a long period of time, your brain rewires itself to crave that stimulation, that fantasy. it doesn't know any better.
as for the existentialism - i had a few experiences with drugs, mainly salvia and weed, that really set it off.
imagine suddenly zooming out of yourself, feeling like an outside observer scrutinizing your own actions and speech, like you're in a TV show - look its some depressed guy writing on the internet!, how boring, lets change the channel to a more interesting life. and you zoom out, to millions, billions of other stories going on and you're so f*ck*ng insignificant... its terrifying. The finality of it - you don't get to step out of your little sideshow, this is all there is.
what a mindfuck
poster:Ceran
thread:918206
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20090921/msgs/918267.html