Posted by AMY II on March 2, 2008, at 1:36:10
In reply to oops, I'm sorry Amy... » AMY II, posted by 10derHeart on March 2, 2008, at 1:02:35
Gotcha. Because I didn't have anythingin the subject line that would let anyone know that I was going into detail about CSA, they might have opened it, and could have caused emotional distress for them.
I posted here for a while 9 years ago when everything came on all of a sudden after an x trip. Did drugs recreationally prior to the x trip with no side effects. But with this x trip (did it 3 times and pressure from a boyfriend to do it with him) I have never been the same. It's deep and a long story, which has been posted over several years here under AMY II. I think I even had a couple of posts under Amy once in 1999. Not sure.
Here is how I am feeling now.
Feeling sh*tty. Not wanting to take this hydrocodone for my arms anymore. Thinking that "hey maybe it's better", so I don't take it and by the end of about 10 hours my arms are driving me absolutely mad and I feel like surges of adreneline in my chest. ( I had cortizone shots in both my elbows for tendonitis 5 weeks ago and I started having what feels like adrenline surges, restless arm syndrome if you will ever since) God, what else?
I have tightness in my head (not like a headache) and had a flash of light out of my left eye. Lower back feeling numb down to my tail bone.
Thinking to myself, "Great, what if my arm thing is just something I have to deal with now too for the rest of my life and won't ever stop bothering me?"I am afraid to think of anything for fear it will stay there and never go away. Like now that I have this arm thing, will it ever go away. I have the head thing, will it ever go away. Since we have discovered that I probably, no I definately, have OCD components to my "disorder" if I "think" of anything I may never get it out of my head or think normally about it ever again.
Then I think "I am not fuckin crazy, my arms DO feel restless, I DO feel surges in them and in my chest that I think are related, I DO feel numbness in my lower back down to my tailbone and I DO feel pressure in my head. DAMNIT!"
Screw this crazy psychiatrist sh**, what if it makes me worse??? What if it makes me feel like I have more problems than I really do? What if I put my life in this Hospital's hands and it ends up biting me in the a**?? Maybe that's why people are afraid to see a shrink. Because they "Look" for something psychologically to be wrong, even if you come and there isn't anything.
I think of horror stories you hear on TV of kids being taken away, lives being destroyed, because the system got it all wrong. Am I gonna wind up one of those cases? My Pdoc says "You don't drive the bus" and "you don't control your treatment" and "that's not how medicine works". This is bothering me a great deal. I happen not to agree. That gave me a sickening feeling of not being in control of my own life. That I have broken the seal and now I don't call the shots of what happens to me. The way my pdoc put it was that "I give input" to help but that's it.
Sorry, but that is the FIRST I have heard a doctor say anything like that to me. It is MY LIFE, and if I feel that something is bothering me and if I feel that something is wrong then I have a RIGHT to ask, especially if NOTHING and I mean NOTHING else has given me any kind of right answers.
I find it peculiar how my pdoc will jump to "hmmm....there may be a component of psychosis here," after 2 visits, then jump out of that diagnosis as fast as he jumped into it, but finds it unrealistic to ask for a couple of tests to rule out something that is really bothering me?
He uses the word "atypical" alot when talking to me yet, when I mention doing something that may be "atypical" in finding an answer, that is "not the way medicine" works. Let's put her on an antipsycotic instead. Isn't computing for me....
As you can see, I am frusterated. Very. My pdoc tells me while I am in a very upset state of mind, crying, pissed, and saying that "either way I end up dead, if I take the medicine I am asked to take, I gain weight which causes heart disease and a slew of other problems, if I don't take the meds, hell I may end up losing it." He says, "well how about die with some hope?" And then, "Do you think I was gonna have an answer for you after a month?"
Sooo, feeling very discouraged and was hoping that with every week I would be more optomistic and feel more like I have someone rooting for me, caring.
Who knows, my pdoc may need to go into whatever his "specialty" is going to be next year and I may be dumped to another pdoc anyway.
Why do I feel more hopeless than when I started? I feel like I have gone backwards instead of forwards.
I requested (the way I always have since I started taking 2mg of zanax a day in September) from the pharamacy to fax over the request to the Doctor in the previous state I lived in. Has always filled it for me, this time, gives me 24 pills instead of the 60 I get every month. Did my pdoc have a talk with him? Why is he doing that now? Seems peculiar to me. So, since I am not "driving the bus" I have to resort back to going to emergency rooms every day after this zanax script runs out because my pdoc wants to get me off of the one drug that has managed to hold me in tact, barely so I can search for other answers as to what is wrong with me. I should use Klonopin instead he says. I am starting to feel like this is going to be a pissing contest and a control issue and I am not into it....
poster:AMY II
thread:815089
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20080221/msgs/815676.html