Posted by deniseuk190466 on July 10, 2007, at 13:03:01
I know that nobody can answer that question but since all of this started up again back in 2000 I can't help wonder if I did.
I mean if there is a hell then this is what it would be like, to have no enthusiasm for anything, no interest in anything or anybody, extreme anxiety, feeling wretched and feeling desparately like you need help but there is no-one who can help you.
If I haven't died and gone to hell then I think back in 2000 if somebody had shown me what I was going to go through, given me a glimpse of the future and told me that you can have that or instant death and oblivion then I would have gone for the latter. Seriously I think I would have.
In times when I have felt very suicidal I have sought comfort from the bible but it seems to give me no comfort all I see is that if you do decide to take your own life then you are dammned to external hell and damnation. So then I feel totally trapped, like there is absolutely no escape route. I'm stuck in hell here and I'll be stuck in hell there too.
Also, these days I'm definately guilty of the seven deadly sins, sloth, greed, envy, averice, I can't remember them all but I seem to be guilty of most of them so I'm dammed in that way too.
I'm writing this and I know nobody really can answer my question so this is pointless too.
I really wish I had of died, at least I would have died knowing how low I was capable of feeling. I really don't think as an organic creation on this earth I am fit for living.
I often wonder what it would be like to not be on this earth, I mean before the year 1966 I wasn't here and I don't think I was suffering then.
I also think that lots of good people have committed suicide, surely they haven't gone to hell??? And if there is a hell and suicide is wrong then isn't just the thought of suicide wrong too, so the fact that I want to die and have wanted to die many times over the years, isn't that reason for me to go to hell too, so I'll end up going to hell anyway. Are people like David Kelly, Kurt Cobain, Sylvia Plath, the guy from Crowded House, all the people who comit suicide because they can't go on, are they all in hell too? I can't believe that a Kind and loving God would do that to anyone. But then I can't believe a kind and loving God would allow me to feel the way I feel, would allow the people on this board to feel the way they feel, for what reason? I can't think of anything worse than wanting to die every day when you know you have to live for possibly another 20/30 years. For time to drag on and on endlessly, willing the day to be over.
Sorry, I just felt like rambling, maybe this is one for the Faith board rather than this board. I'm so sick of my life, tired of just surviving on medication and the fact that if I don't take it I'm even worse.
Tired of watching other people living seemingly normal happy lives and feeling like I don't have any part in it anymore. Tired of wondering what I've done to desesrve this. Tired of wishing my life was over and near the end.
Tired of this endless search for a medication/treatment that will work and knowing inside that I'm totally f*cked. The only options I have left now really are ECT, VNS and they probably won't work either and I'll be stuck here two or three years from now writing and thinking the same things and still searching for something that I can't find and probably never will.
This must be hell.Denise
poster:deniseuk190466
thread:768729
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20070710/msgs/768729.html