Posted by stargazer on May 7, 2007, at 10:24:52
In reply to Re: Following posts too tiresome for me...New doc, posted by Squiggles on May 7, 2007, at 7:35:15
Thanks for taking the time to write me back. I do find that I have little interest in anything. Right now I feel very uncertain about everything...life, depression, future plans, etc. and I vacillate between depression and feeling "blah" not sure if it's depression, even though I have been battling "it" for some 20+ years on and off, more on lately.
The worse part is not knowing when enough is enough, sometimes the deepest depression almost feels better(not) but at least when I'm in that state I can understand it is an illness that will pass. The feeling I have right now is somewhere between how I think most people feel but with an undercurrent of not knowing what to do about it, whether a medication is the answer, a major life change to stir things up, although I think that is what has lead me to many of my poor choices and bailouts in the past to "escape" the pain and uncertainty.
I'm hoping this new doc can do something although starting with a new pdoc is very scarey since they know nothing about you but might be the best one to see your situation from a fresh perspective, since the pdoc I've had for 17 years "knows" me but can't help me other than to try med after med with mixed results.
I guess I still want to think I can feel better and regain some of my life back before it is too late, but at age 50, it seems like half of my life was wasted with the wrong meds and poor choices from a lifetime of depression, ADD and whatever else I have which has changed year to year. It just doesn't get any easier the more you know and think you can understand what needs to be done next. I feel like I am losing my way lately.
I am willing to give it another try but wish I had more faith in finding a cure at least for a few years. I had two or three brief remissions with Nardil, Marplan and a combo of Celexa/Wellbutrin/Adderall and most of the other 20 or 30 meds I've tried were just time spent going through the motions and never really getting to a place where I could forget I was depressed.
I is getting pretty scarey to think there may be no answer for me in the short time that I may have left.
You are kind to be there to at least offer a word or two of your insight with me. I will keep you posted of the new pdoc's insight and treatment plan for my situation. He is a specialist in TRD so at least he comes highly recommended and if he can't help me at least I know I tried my best to figure this out. The last thing I wanted to do was give up not knowing if someone else might be able to get to the bottom of my poor responses to meds and give it the best chance for another person to figure it out. I'm hoping he will know what to do next since I have almost given up trying anymore meds. I really think the treatment of depression is archaic, preying on the vulnerability of those who can't help themsselves and it seems so many "professionals" can't help us either. It is a real crapshoot to find the right medication despite my sticking it out and trying everything except the last resort of VNS or ECT. I hope he can prove me wrong and come up with a new game plan given my history and past experiences with meds...
Sorry so long and boring, it took alot of effort to put this into words, if you have read this whole thing I admire your patience and effort...Stargazer
poster:stargazer
thread:756430
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20070502/msgs/756495.html