Posted by stargazer on May 6, 2007, at 22:21:35
Unfortunately, I want to read so many posts but I am unable to lately. I am truly amazed at how so many of you have the focus, energy and interest to do this over and over in articulate and interesting ways.
I don't know if the way I feel is normal anymore or if I am just living the life of a depressed person and have no hope to ever feel better. Hard to tell...but I have always had difficulty keeping up with all the opinions here and I get upset when the responses get so disconnected and hard to follow and sometimes very angry. I just want to say forget about it, it is not that important and I stay out of the bickering. That is too draining for me, and I avoid tension like the plague.
Am I getting more depressed or is my energy level always much lower than others? I want to be able to contribute here, but I find myself giving up because of the effort it takes to respond in a meaningful way. I do sometimes fear getting criticized for posting something without thinking it through. It is a double edged sword which keeps me from being comfortable in what I say.
How do the rest of you do it over and over, day by day, especially those of you who are here so often (You know who you are) it boggles my mind. Lately I can read some posts but find the ability to respond very challenging, due to lack of energy, lack of attention and the inability to put my thoughts into words.
Perhaps the Emsam and Abilify combo is not the right one. I don't feel depressed but I am often irritable and feel lost most of the time. It sucks and I can't even think about ever working again. I just want it to go away, but it never does. How do even know when you're not depressed anymore. I swear sometimes I can't tell if I am or not. Talk about a life without meaning. Even here on PB, I feel worthless becasue I can't follow posts. Is it because of the "pressure" I feel to "produce" meaningful exchanges? I think so.
I know it's out of my control at times but I'm tired of reading about what meds "might" help someone and then to read about the side effects and suffering others are going through to find elusive answers...it feels like competition to me and I'm never a winner in the contests. Others seem to be on winning streaks. It is just another cruel and unfair game in life.
Hopefully the next time I write I will be in a better place to see that this forum is a kind and supportive one, but lately all I see is chaos and misery, lots of rhetoric, lots of meds and more side effects and suffering.
This feeling always catches up with me so I guess this is what's happening again.
Hopefully I can post with better results in the next few weeks as I see a new doctor on Tuesday who may shed some light on my depression since my current pdoc of 17 yrs hasn't been able to get me out of the doldrums for the last few years. It has really been a bad last few years, as I struggled to work and find a place for myself in life, but found that there really isn't a place where depression is accepted and understood, not the life outside of PB anyways.
PB is not real life but those who come here are real and are the only ones who can relate to this post (I think). Too bad there's not a place for the depressed where we can live together, knowing what we know about the illness and accept eachother with our limitations in life. The real world has no tolerance for us since the competition is so fierce for limited resources, it scares me that in order to work I have to go through the motions and pretend everything is great and I love my job and my life. I can't pretend, that is my one downfall, never could so I just gave up after trying for so long.
Meds may not be the answer, we'll see in the next few months as I try new ones (a given) and embark of a new course of action. Wish me well in finding some new solutions and finding hope and an interest in life which has been lacking for way too long. Perhaps my trial with Nardil will be forthcoming...the time may be right for another major change. I have nothing to lose and everthing to gain...Please let there be an answer for me too...I have been patient.
Stargazer
poster:stargazer
thread:756430
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20070502/msgs/756430.html