Posted by Quintal on March 8, 2007, at 10:54:29
Some of you might have noticed my near absence from the boards over the last week or so. I began taking the Coaxil brand of tianeptine (usually known by the brand name Stablon) on Monday morning. It was effective within an hour in producing a feeling of utter calm and serenity. after suffering for months with intense nervous tension the relief was palpable - like lifting a heavy weight from the middle of my belly where it had been causing a chronic, niggling pain. Right away though, I noticed I was somewhat distanced from my emotions and I found that uncomfortable and a little disturbing. I returned to my usual tense, irritable self about five hours after taking the first dose. I debated whether to take it again, but after suffering a bad night and morning the next day I took another dose and have been taking three 12.5mg tablets a day all this week.
Again, I seem to be distanced from my emotions - I feel like I've 'lost touch with myself' in some way that's hard to define, but I find unpleasant. Last night I plugged in my TV set which has been languishing neglected in the corner of my living room for almost a year and watched some trashy soap operas while eating a tub of ice-cream. It's such a normal, everyday thing to do that you might be wondering what the fuss is about, but that's so unlike me - it's like a personality change. I came online and surfed the boards here but couldn't make sense of what was going on, and even when I thought of a good reply, I couldn't be bothered to actually sit and type out a response. I've found myself wanting to expose myself to more stimulation, like the TV (I know........but that is stimulating for me who usually reads a book or sits deep in thought), going outside for a walk, maybe even a run, and the idea of applying for a job even crossed my mind this morning.
I realize that to all the people here who are still suffering this might seem ungrateful, but to me this is actually a reduction in the quality of my life, even though I might be more 'functional'. I seem to have lost contact with the person I came to know so well after quitting benzos, and I'm glad I did meet him - he opened my eyes to many things and this almost seems like a betrayal to him. That might seem an odd and mawkish thing to say, but that's how I feel. I am of course speaking in the language used in 'new-age' humanistic counselling, but that approach made me aware that reality is like an onion skin, with ever deeper layers of meaning and I feel I'm missing much of that subtlety since now I'm taking tianeptine.
It would be easier to live in harmony with other people while I'm like this - it's hard to get worked up about anything, so I'd be more willing to let things slide just to keep the peace. I suppose that would make me seem more compassionate and empathetic, but it's an illusion.
I feel lost in a way - like I could go and hold down a dull 9-5 job for the rest of my life right now and be content that I was doing my bit, paying my way, and not be bothered by or question the lack of purpose and deeper meaning in my life. I wonder if this is how most 'normal' people view the world? If so then I feel for them, they must find spiritual practise and empathy very difficult. That always puzzled and frustrated me, perhaps now I've found the answer? So at least I can take something good back with me from this trial.
I am going to stop the tianeptine because this just isn't the way I want to live my life, but I suspect it will be difficult, and I might not be successful. I understand now why Declan said tianeptine would be hard to give up after a few years of use. That isn't a criticism of people who choose to live their lives in this state, it's my own preference in the direction I want to take my life. I still don't know exactly what that is, but my tianeptine trial has given me new insights and plenty of food for thought.
Q
poster:Quintal
thread:739232
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20070308/msgs/739232.html