Posted by jealibeanz on September 1, 2006, at 17:01:55
In reply to Re: Tomorrow Part 1, posted by jealibeanz on September 1, 2006, at 15:49:15
Funny... I forgot about one of my disorders we're still trying to treat. Which one? ADHD! Haha... a little ironic. I always feel a little strange talking about or trying to treat it, like I'm just being a hypochondriac making up a new issue for myself.
I think it's because for years people always assumed that those with ADHD were low achievers or unintelligent, or little boys bouncing off the walls in elementary school. This is obviously untrue as there are many high achieving doctors, lawyers, professionals, ect. with the disorder. They probably struggled with the same biased thinking that I do and only sought treatment when things got way out of hand.
I don't actually doubt that I have major attention problems. I nevvver read or studied anything throughout middle school, high school, or most of undergrad. Yeah, sometimes I'd glance at material before a test, just to make myself feel better. Otherwise, I'd have to live with the guilt that I wasn't trying (still, in my mind, I wasn't because I didn't properly study for any length of time or with structure, like everyone else receiving the same grades as me, but that slight effort was better than nothing at all).
I avoided reading novels or reviewing my texts for exams. I honestly felt like it "hurts" my brain to try to sutain high levels of attention, or I turn off my brain, become sleepy, or daydream. As soon as I shut the book, that feeling subsided. So, it does make sense that I was avoiding such "pain". Maybe that's a good thing... I'm not a hedonist trying to punish myself, just trying to go with my natural flow.
Amazingly, I'd squeak out A's on each report card... haha... and I never felt like I earned them because I didn't study or put in the same kind of work that my friends did.
However, in retrospect, it was hard work. It was hard for me to realize that I was staring at my book for hours without actually reading. It was hard that I was always so confused and forgetful, constantly asking friends to remind me of what I needed to do, when I should have been able to remember for myself.
I remember feeling huge guilt for not being able to force myself to read all the classic novels that everyone reads in high school. Sure, I guess I'd skim, or even "pseudo-read", but never absorbed the material well. I just blamed it on laziness, lack of interest, or being too tired from my busy day (all of which are factors, but not the major culprit).
This isn't due to another type of reading or learning disorder. I always read above grade level. I actually have very high language and reading skills. All of my standardized reading/language comprehension test scores have been near the 99th percentile my whole life. I'm not trying to be immodest here, just trying to present the extreme gap between optimal ability and every-day performance. I'd actually prefer that I truely wasn't capable of performing at a higher level that I do most of the time. I wouldn't have to justify any underachievement.
I guess when I'm absolutely forced to sit at a desk with only one thing, I can manage to do it. Otherwise, well... my friends affectionately like to tell me I "wander":) (physically and mentally)
Somehow I just got by on good intuition, an almost sublimination absorption of material, and great testing ability (plus, multiple choice exams are just not an appropriate indicator of knowledge in my opinion. Some students can "beat the system" and appear to know more than they actually do, while others with great knowledge struggle with the format).
In college... most of the time I wouldn't "hear" a thing that was said in lecture... ever! I think the format was especially difficult for me to focus on. The lower grades are more interactive, allowing me to shift gears enough to pay attention to some extent, although not a whole lot.
When I'd casually tell my friends in college after a class that had noo idea what the prof just talked about or would not pick up on major points or announcements, they'd just stare at me in awe... as if to say "Are you kidding me? Even I know what just went on, and you're smarter than me!"
I did struggle through undergrad. My grades dropped well below previous years. While this isn't uncommon for people to have a hard time adjusting to the format of higher education, I took this to extremes. I failed classes I should have aced, that anyone should have aced.
I actually did some biofeedback therapy for a while when it got really bad. That's how I've managed to get where I am today. It helped "raise my baseline" of concentration, but I seemed to have maxed out on its benefits and need further help.
Soo... treatment... Do I even wanna go there? I don't know. He may ask about it. Do I care if I'm not in school? Well, not entirely, although it's a disorder that does carry over into every day life, not just college! (that's why it's soo horrible for severe cases when parents stop kid's meds on summer break, but that's another discussion!) However, it's not going to be a huge issue if I'm not in college. (ohhh... decisions, decisions).
In terms of recent concentration/organization:
Well, after one week of classes I have yet to actually study or do any work... oops! I'm not terribly organized, sharp, and I'm forgetful. My brain feels a little foggy at times.
I don't do well with listening to lectures, but I never really have. I end up reteaching myself at home, when I come upon a rare moment of extreme concentration. This is obviously very ineffective. I realize this is partly due to my learning style, but I'm going to need to be able to concentrate with more focus to oral instructions when I'm in the real world, where I can't do everything in accordance to my fluctuations.
Sorry!!! Sometimes we "hyperfocus", huh? Ohhh well, if you got to the bottom of this and you can relate, I hope it can do others some good to know you're not alone.
poster:jealibeanz
thread:681286
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20060901/msgs/682098.html