Posted by pseudoname on April 26, 2006, at 15:12:02
I wish I could draw a graph of what I've been going through lately. If once every day I gave myself a score for mood & mental state on a scale of 1-10, over the last decade it would usually look like this:
1 1 1 1 2 1 1 1 1 1 3 1 0 1 1 1 1 1 1 0 1 1 1 1 1
Over the last couple months I've been going through something like this:
1 1 6 2 2 2 7 2 2 2 7 7 2 2 1 2 2 8 8 3 3 7 3 7 2 8 3 3
Make sense? It'd be better visually. But I seem to be making, without really expecting to, incremental gains that are STICKING AROUND. I'm doing an unusual med AND a very unusual therapy, but I've tried unusual things before without success.
Although things still go up & down, the Down is not as bad as it used to be, and the Up occurs more often. Almost every other day is decent.
Also, the very WORST times, which could go on for 8-48 hours, now only last about 20 minutes, and then that's it, they're over. (Where do they go? Why? I don't know.)
My life is still a relative disaster; emotionally & mentally I'm still probably the worst-off person for half a mile in any direction; I'm not improving uniformly, but...
I'm tackling stuff I've avoided for YEARS. And today I thought, “Why the hell are you not working to get into grad school?” I have *NEVER* had such a positive, hopeful thought about academics in all my life.
For a couple months, I've tried to deny that I'm getting better. After all, it's never happened before: I've always quickly lost any improvements. I think it's risky to publicly state that you're improving: when you “inevitably” crash, that makes it feel all the worse. Or so I've always thought.
But what I've been going through over the last few months is just too much to ignore. I'm getting incremental, cumulative improvement. I hope I won't have to post an update that it all went away.
;)
poster:pseudoname
thread:637241
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20060423/msgs/637241.html