Posted by detroitpistons on April 10, 2006, at 15:06:11
In reply to Meds HAVE RUINED MY 4 YEARS IN COLLEGE, and CAREER, posted by Doug_Saving_The_Team on April 8, 2006, at 20:50:57
Doug,
I went through a period where I blamed AD's for some of my problems. I was a high performer at a prestigious prep school. But I didn't even apply to the high profile universities because I had become so apathetic by that point and my self esteem had plummeted.
A couple years after graduating college, I decided that I was gonna go to law school. I was studying for the LSAT and just couldn't do well on one of the sections on the practice exams. I thought my meds were slowing my mind down. I also thought that my emotions were being blunted. I was feeling like a failure in life, that everything after high school had slowly deteriorated. I quit taking Paxil cold turkey. Needless to say, my concentration did not improve. I plummeted into a severe depression. I didn't even take the LSAT.
In retrospect, it was all just paranoia. For me, blaming the meds was a way of rationalizing something to myself that I did not fully understand. There may have been some truth to some of my conclusions. Paxil may really have blunted my emotions to an extent, but I think I put too much weight into these conclusions. It was a sort of paranoid ideation.
I've found that SSNRI's work better for me, and don't blunt my emotions. I've realized now that my quality of life on meds is a superior choice to not taking meds at all. For me, meds are the lesser of two evils. Both times I took myself off of them, I became suicidally depressed, and that's not very productive, is it?
You said you were on meds for all 4 years of college. You said you tried to quit but you couldn't. Do you think that you would have become depressed if you did succeed in getting off of them? The symptoms of apathy, low motivation, poor concentration, etc. are classic markers of depression. Perhaps the depression was the culprit and not the AD's.
Regret will eat you from the inside out. Believe me, I've dealt with it and am still dealing with it. You should consider going to at least a few sessions of therapy to help you come to terms with this issue. College is supposed to be the best 4 years of your life, and I felt the exact opposite regarding my college experience. I've regretted it immensely, but the regret doesn't change anything.
As a side note, attending a prestigious university does not guarantee you anything in the business world. There are plenty of CEO's who attended state schools. There are also probably CEO's who got mediocre grades while in school. It's not the end of the world. Getting to the mid 2 point range from an exceptional school is not all that bad. Employers are also sympathetic to extenuating circumstances that may have affected your school performance. For example, people who work full time to get themselves through school are often cut some slack.
You are very, very young. The sky is not falling. You can still become immensely successful. You seem to be an idealist like me. I "should" have done this, or I "should" be that. These guilty ruminations are also classic depressive hallmarks.
You are on meds, yet you still feel horrible. This wouldn't be the case if your meds were doing their job. If you do indeed suffer from chronic, clinical depression, I'm surprised your doctor has not tried a different strategy. Some people suffer from "treatment resistent" depression and require innovative treatment approaches. What's the situation with your doctor?
Wishing you the best,
Marc
> hi all,
>
> i have to get something off my chest. let me say first i am terribly depressed and upset by the whole thing. i will try to keep this to the point. here is my sad history:
>
> High school:
> *Freshman-Junior year: top 10 in the class, obviously exceptional academically.
> *Senior year: Problems with Accutane caused severe depression. Doctor put me on Paxil, then Prozac. My grades immediately suffered because I just didn't care anymore, in addition to memory issues.
> *I was accepted to one of the top 5 best univiersities in the world.
>
> College:
> *Tried to go off, but had lots of anxiety and went right back to Prozac. I regret that terribly. DAMN ME!! I remember a moment when I told myself, "This is a big decision. Just hold off and don't take the meds." But I was weak, and I went back to the meds...............
> *Freshman through Senior year: Just as I did on meds my senior year. My grades? 2.5 GPA. God-awful, and entirely attributable to the medication. once i was on the meds, i could not get off of them. but i wish every day that I did.
>
> Now I'm a senior about to graduate next month, and I regret my whole college experience. I'd do most anything to do it over again, this time WITHOUT MEDICATIONS!! Now I'm going home, without employment, when I should be going off to some great job on Wall Street like my friends, working at a hedge fund, private equity shop or investment bank. Instead, I'm going home to get off my medication. But how am I to play catch up? I've just WASTED FOUR YEARS!! What, I'm supposed to go to some state school back home? That's so embarrassing, but I guess i deserve it. I'VE HIT ROCK BOTTOM. or so i've thought many times, but sunk ever lower, and lower, and lower... my parents pressure me to do what they expect. they don't understand all my struggles have nothing to do with the difficulty of the course work: it has EVERYTHING TO DO WITH THE MEDICATION I'M ON!!
>
> In addition to that, I'm FREAKING out about the permanent side effects of the medication. A study a year ago showed teenagers put on meds grew on average 2 inches less than their peers. so not only am i shorter than i should be, but WHO KNOWS, MAYBE IT CAUSED MY BRAIN TO NOT DEVELOP AS IT NORMALLY SHOULD HAVE. and thus I am left with the brain of a senior in high school, not a college graduate. and thus I am stunted. I may have been top percentile at high school graduation, but now what am I? My peers have advanced and I have been STUNTED!!
>
> i just had to get this off my chest. i see a pdoc, and I talk to my parents about it, but my parents don't understand what I'm going through. They are very loving, but they don't understand, and that frustrates me terribly.
>
> For the record, now I'm on WellbutrinXL 150mg, Lexapro 10mg and Gingo Biloba 40mg, all per day.
>
> HELLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPP. I'm not going to "hurt myself" or anything, but I am TERRIBLY DEPRESSED. Just imagine: 4 years of your prime life, WASTED, when you could have learned so many things and be going off to a well-paying job. but I am stunted now. The medication effected my performance academically which in turn effected my lifeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....
>
> F*** me...
poster:detroitpistons
thread:630718
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20060408/msgs/631450.html