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Am I paranoid? Or just self-absorbed?

Posted by med_empowered on December 20, 2005, at 6:25:49

OK, here's the deal: sometimes, when I'm out and about, I think people are talking about me. Its worst at restaurants--I'll be with friends, and I'll see a table near by of people laughing, having a good time. WELL, the bad part comes in when I think these happy people are laughing at **me**--thinking I'm fat, balding, unattractive, whatever. It even happens with my friends. Tonight I was in the backseat of my friend's car, and she and another friend were talking in the front. The stereo was blasting, so I couldn't hear what they were saying; but somehow, in my mind, they were talking about me. When they turned down the stereo, I could hear that they were just talking about something else--school and work.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? I told a shrink about this a long time ago. Her solutoin was an antipsychotic. That is *not* an option for me--I'm glad the atypicals are available, but I despise those drugs. They destroy my inner-life, and I never want to take them ever, ever again. What am I to do?

This didn't happen to me until high school. I used to be able to just sit, oblivious to other people. Then I became the school outcast. Kids would talk about me--teachers would talk about me. I developed a weird nervous tick b/c of my social anxiety; kids noticed it, and thought I was "crazy". I'd hear people behind me and around me talking about me sometimes during class (I know this sounds nuts, but it is what happened--I became the crazy-in-residence at my high school...teachers would always come up to me to express their "concern" and ask if I "wanted to talk").

Maybe this just reflects a fundamental distrust of people on my part? And its kind of a reaction to the trauma of high school? Also, some of my symptoms--thinking people are talking about me balding, for instance--are indicative of "Body Dysmorphic Disorder" (according to my friends, I'm not balding--and yes, I ask them **everyday**. I also ask them if I'm fat and/or unattractive).

I feel so self-absorbed. OK, I **am** so self-absorbed. But its not b/c I think I'm the coolest kid on the block or anything...I'm just too neurotic and self-conscious to function properly. I've been looking into plastic surgery (even though I'm a decent looking guy) and anti-hair loss treatments (even though my friends say I'm not balding). ARGH! I sometimes want to go to a shrink, but what could they do? Give me Abilify? Thanks, but...no thanks. I need to learn how to deal w/o being drugged to the gills.

So what do I do? I constantly think people in public are talking about me, even though I think (know?) its unlikely--highly, highly unlikely. And my obsession with my appearance is getting weirder and weirder...I avoid mirrors like the plague. I either dim the lights when I must use one, or cover them up or avert my eyes. When there are mirrors in public, I quickly avert my gaze and focus on something else.

Then, I have days when I obsess over my appearance--I'll gaze in the mirror analyzing my hair line, looking at skin imperfections, etc. It is **SOOOOO** tiring. I'm tired of it. My friends don't quite understand the extent of it (I haven't told them how I hear people talking about me, etc.), so they just think I'm neurotic and self-absorbed.

HEEEEEEELLLLLPPP!!!!! This really is impairing my functioning a lot. Its been going on for years (particularly the part with me hearing people talk about me in public). I don't know what to do. Would therapy help? Is this social anxiety pushed to the max?


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poster:med_empowered thread:590603
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20051211/msgs/590603.html