Posted by Girlnterrupted on October 30, 2005, at 9:57:54
I am so desperate. My depression is ruining every part of my life--social, job, sexual, and well, I basically have no life.
In short: I'm a female, late 20's, with a life-long chronic depression. I call it "social-depression" because it mostly affects my relationships with people.
Symptoms: Basically, I don't enjoy myself with people AT ALL. I feel uncomfortable, I want to leave, I don't have tolerance, I don't have the desire to be around them, and I don't enjoy it. I thought that was my personality and hated myself.. but it all changed one day...
3 years ago, a miracle happened. I tried an AD for the first time in my life: Celexa. In two weeks, taking 40mgs, I suddenly was CURED. I could not believe it when I got up that lucky morning. I was in school. I usually avoided people when I walked through the campus, I always felt self-conscious and uncomfortable. Suddenly my life gave a 180 degree turn, I swear to god. I started saying hi, striking conversations with people, talking and laughing, and just being SOOO happy that I could NOT believe it. I remember repeating to myself "Oh my God, I am NORMAL!! I am finally NORMAL!! I'm CURED!!!" It was amazing. I was so outgoing and talkative; I came up with the funniest things, and I was always in a great mood, sociable and happy. People told me I was "charismatic" while I had been "the quiet one" all my life.
That lasted for a whole year. It was the happiest year of my life. It might have continued, if my doctor hadn't had that "great" idea. He thought maybe I should switch to Lexapro, which was the new, "improved" version of Celexa. I thought, fine, I'll give it a try. That was the end of it all. Within a week, all the effects of Celexa vanished, and I got more depressed than I had ever been. I began crying for no reason, I felt awfully self-conscious, and I isolated myself from people. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I went right back on Celexa. It helped, but nothing like the first time. I raised the dosage, and nothing. It helped like a 30%, compared to a 95% the first time.
Ever since, I've been depressed as hell. It's been 3 years, and I've tried it all: Effexor, Zoloft, Paxil, Wellbutrin. Nothing works. I want my life back!
My theory is that I'm dopamine deficient. I drew this conclusion because the only agents that make me feel the way I felt on Celexa were: (a) Alcohol, and (b) Adderall. (Note: Adderall made me feel great--sociable and happy, but only the first days.. after that, I built tolerance. Now it does nothing.)
I know both substances supply dopamine, and hence my conclusion on the dopamine deficiency.
Could anyone suggest what else can I do to restore my chemistry and get my social system back to working? None of the psychiatrists I've seen seem to have a clue on what's wrong with me. I am wasting my entire life! I am locked in my room 24/7, keep losing jobs, haven't dated anyone in 3 years, don't keep up with friendships, and I'm just dead alive. Either I fix this, or I'd rather not live. This is not living, this is hell.
Please help me.
poster:Girlnterrupted
thread:573337
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20051024/msgs/573337.html