Posted by musil on February 21, 2005, at 5:40:36
Greetings. I haven't posted for a long time, back when I got sucked into an anti-benzo board and basically freaked out during a cold turkey. Yay! they said, as I lost my job and cried and didn't sleep for 8 weeks. But that's well behind me now, and I'm afraid that I'm currently alone and frankly suicidal. I have chronic severe back pain due to a genetically malformed rib (#7) that nobody wants to attach to my spine due to the risks involved in the surgery (too close to major arteries, nerves, etc) and arthritis has crept into the equation so that I never know when the rib is going to decide to move forward or backward and knock me down with pain so excruciating that I can't perform my career-path activities anymore (sysadmin-programmer), especially since I got forced out of my job by an organization that has a habit of squeezing out people that have health problems.
Sorry for the rant, I'm quite discom"bob"ulated right now and frankly I'm afraid that when my wife get's back with the boys I'm going to have to go into the hospital to deal with the severe depression and pain that is not responding well to medication, as follows:
2 x 10 mg diazepam per day
1 x 10 mg Lexapro per day, night
12 mg Suboxone per day
10 mg Ambien per night
Aleive 1 tablet every 12 hoursI've been so depressed that all I can do is sleep and worry about money, because without my job our household income dropped by 2/3 and I've been trying to get a consulting firm going but it's just not working out. I'm faking it, and I'm doing work that's way under my capacity, and I'm getting the typical political pressures already at several clients who can't tell a USB port from their nostril, and I've been late for several meetings because I've simply been asleep trying to avoid my pain and depression.
The bottom line is that I think the Lexapro is pooped out, and I'd like to try Remeron and nick the Ambien, and up my dose of Suboxone to 16mg.
Man, after getting up to 180mg OContin/day, the Suboxone has been miraculous in terms of holding back the withdrawal from opiates, but Suboxone doesn't do it for the pain. And yes, I am still looking for that "peace" I found in OC, and if that makes me sick then I need help, because I don't think the peace I was seeking was an addictive /high/ peace, I think it was just relief from pain and a chance to sleep for no more than two hours before that rib began poking me in the side again. I can't really work anymore, as keyboarding just exacerbates the rib.After all that description (thank you for reading so far), I am most worried about my dear wife and two boys, one of whom has inherited my unfortunate depressive tendency.
You know what would really help? A small disabilty check every month. I could do what I can around the house when not depressed (I have tried to suicide once, cry for help?)
But I'm too scared to head down the disability trail because that's a big decision and full of waiting, disappointment, document gathering, etc and I don't have the energy for it all, and anxiety and the waiting and the ultimate "NO" first time around and then the 2nd app and then gathering information from my old employer and I live on an island and therefore gossip spreads like melted butter so I've had enough struggling for the past 25 years and I just want to know that I can at least help pay for the groceries every month and knowing that there are other people really milking the system really angers me when I just want a simple judgement of "You've had enough for a while, here's some help" -- and then there's the emotional strain o my family, and that's painful enough for me to bear, knowing that I used to be so vital (but still prone to depression) and now I'm about ready to take all my valium and put all my suboxone under my tongue and just see if I get the ride of my life or a nice funeral. Man, I wish I was like the Hulk as Bill Bixby -- I could just walk down a nice dirt road, with music playing inthe background and then, when a truck goes by, instead of sticking out my thumb I could leap under the tires.
I just feel so damn guilty about all of this even though it's not my fault but I'm a man, and I'm supposed to suck it up like my Dad did for 40 years at Bell Labs in a windowless office and now he's got a pension and an IRA and SS and was it worth it? I won't even go into the fact that he's one reason that my psychotic mother dragged me to JW meetings 5 nights per week and told me that she would kill herself if I didn't behave like a perfect JW and make it into "the new system" where everything would be perfect and my Dad would be dead because he wasn't a JW. She told me that he wasn't my real father and that I had been immaculately conceived when I was 4, and oh yeah, when armageddon comes and you happen to be on the school bus with all your dead classmates, just wait outside the bus and I'll come get you in the car and we'll head up to the Kingdom Hall where I'm sure there will be punch and cookies and Jehovah himself will bring the dead back to life.
Yeah, I've got a history, and I'm tired of struggling, and I obviously feel sorry for myself, and I deserve all of this pain I have because I failed to be a man and just suck up to the emotional and physical pain. I really wish I didn't have a family because then it would be easy. But I love my boys very much and it would be not a great thing to grow up with a self-offed Dad , so I fake it.
poster:musil
thread:461152
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050217/msgs/461152.html