Posted by barbaracat on January 3, 2005, at 0:22:01
In reply to Re: Those are hypomanias » Ritch, posted by Mr.Scott on January 2, 2005, at 21:52:46
I sure do love those hypomanias! Everything clicks, has significance, stop lights all turn green for me and if they should turn red, well, there's some wonderful adventure waiting for me at that red light. I become absolutely incorrigibly fun, naughty, charismatic, daring. A bus-full of crabby people I've never seen before stuck in traffic in crappy weather in November? No problem! Get them all to sing Christmas carols and have them all loving it. Nothing can stand in the way of making anything happen and all is delightful.
At my best I'm an energy catalyst, filled with sparkling ideas and aware of the higher purpose of the Universe - these are not false impressions but real true impressions whereby I believe my brain is supercharged and open to psychic realms. The premonitions I've had from this state have been amazingly right-on. A psychic antenna becomes more sensitized. Unseen gates open.
At the early manageable stages there's no ADD-like disorganization, like what comes later. I have great creative ideas and plans and boundless energy. Start digging major excavations for a waterfall garden, drag out the sewing machine to make dance costumes, sign up for all kinds of interesting classes and workshops, host a large dinner party. And it all fits together seamlessly with no disorganization. It all gets done without barely breaking a sweat. Music sounds better, nature is more lovely. Life glows. My dancing is hot, so is playing my music instruments. A true Renaissance Woman. This is living and it's not weird. It's fun.
At that point, as long as I don't start abusing alcohol and drugs and get enough sleep, I can actually coast down naturally and it ends there. But hey, who wants that kind of fun to stop. Alcohol is like pouring kerosene on fire, but oh boy, do I ever love that extra buzz. Then I'm out dancing all night and I'd be catting around if it weren't for my husband who keeps a careful eye on me during these times.
If I let the motor keep revving it's like a point of no return and I start fracturing and unravelling and can't keep any ball in the air, and I still can't rest or sleep. If a clinical biolical depression sets in (as opposed to just crashing and sleeping) and the revving is going on at the same time as the depression, the result is this wailing anguish where all those sublime (many times complete with auditory hallucinations of angelic choirs - heck who says they're even hallucinations??) insights and visions turn into nightmare landscapes where we're all doomed. The psychic antenna only picks up Scare Tactics. I truly feel like I'm lost in Mordor without Sam during a mixed state depression. I feel mortified and ashamed at all the promises I made and can't keep, all the fun behavior that now seems lewd and cheap. I feel physically sick, achy, toxic. And I can't sleep, which is true hell. No escape into oblivion. It's quite psychotic stuff but antipsychotics do squat. I don't understand this kind of depression I get. It's not gray. It's jagged intense blacks and blood red. I don't know where it comes from and haven't met many who have shared it. To me, it sounds more like BP-1 but I'm not even sure of that.
This is what it was like for me almost constantly, emphasis on the depression, until I started taking lithium. I have not had a single mixed state since about 2 years now. Thank whatever Grace who has made this so.
I can still make myself feel pretty awful if I drink way too much and mix the alcohol with a opiate - my favorite buzz substance. This can burn out my circuits and destabilize me into feeling pretty awful.
My garage is an archeological dig filled with layers and remnants of unfinished grand projects, boxes of clothes and shoes I never wore. Oh, if only I had a fraction of that money now! Oh, if only I could coax up a manageable hypomania rev up enough energy and fun to slog through that mess and clean it up. Oh, if only I could ride a mild hypomania whenever I wanted and not whenever IT wanted.
There's something pure magic in the wonderful aspects of bipolar. It seems like more than just chemistry to me, it's more like a divine gift. Wish I understood it better. - Barbara
poster:barbaracat
thread:435630
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20041228/msgs/437082.html