Posted by SuzieWong on November 23, 2004, at 2:56:43
In reply to Re: I really don't know what to do » SuzieWong, posted by gardenergirl on November 22, 2004, at 18:19:51
Thanks for your messages of support.
On the therapy issues, I feel I've talked myself out. I know what the deep emotions are but even though I know them it doesn't make me feel any better. I always feel abandoned and have really low self esteem although if you were on the outside of me you wouldn't think so atall.
My sister was adopted when I was 10 years old and I think that was the start of it. Not that my parents were bad about it but I think I felt like I wasn't important anymore. I never felt like I fit in anywhere.
I was probably actually depressed for a long time before I realised it when I look back. I have been married for 25 years and have three beautiful daughters but I now feel like my life has lost its purpose.
Eight years ago I had a brief affair with a friends husband because my esteem was obviously so low to do that. I have never got over it. I then had a bad car accident and my parents abandoned me because I had a bad reaction to the drugs and the trauma. I started acting really awfully but I didn't know what I was doing (by awful I mean that I was totally emotionally distressed) and when I tried to talk and get it all out no-one wanted to know. They abandoned me for over a year including my sister and my friends abandoned me because of the affair.
It has taken me until now to even begin to build up some more friendships, I just don't trust anyone anymore I don't think.
I always think something awful is going to happen when I go out. It actually developed into agoraphobia and thats why I have to take the small dose of Prozac to help me get out. I used to work as a very successful estate agent and now I can't even begin to think about work.
I'm getting older and I feel that if I haven't found my way in life now I never will. I have just developed into the biggest loser in life and while I don't want to appear a victim, I can't seem to drag myself out of it some days.
By the way I have a really supportive husband and my parents are fine now but I actually think they are lucky I would even want anything to do with them after they abandoned me at a time when someone needs their mum so badly.
Sorry if I've gone on here but I'm sitting here crying again knowing that I will never get over all of this. I can't stand the winter and I've moved house and can't stand the house now either. I've never been happy here.
poster:SuzieWong
thread:419072
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20041118/msgs/419214.html