Posted by hollyocd on November 15, 2004, at 15:01:15
In reply to Re: Zonegran OCD/Anxiety, posted by tampagirl70 on November 15, 2004, at 14:44:13
I was diagnosed in 1995, when I was in grad school. At that time the OCD was moderate to severe, according to the YBOCS score. My OCD has always been more obsessional and less focused on compulsions. At the time I was diagnosed I was worried that I was missing information in books I was reading and I'd underline everything in case it was important. I was checking my watch every minute or so in case I would be late. It was awfu. My psychiatrist tried Luvox but I didn't have much luck with it. I tried Prozac next but never built up to a therapeutic dose and because I didn't have insurance I stopped seeking drug therapy. Now some people ask about the student health center at the university but they didn't have a good system to refer to a psychiatrist and didn't have a reliable psychiatrist at the time.
So I muddled along. In 1998 I got a job in another state, moved, and found I hated the job, it was too many hours (100+ per wk) and my OCD and depression became severe. I became non-functional and unable to do my work. I was faced with a choice of quit or be fired, so I quit and came back to Ark. to go to grad school where I intended to finish my Ph.D. But once here I found the mental illness was just as bad. I could not focus on my research, I could only work part time at a copy place and finally paid out of my pocket to see a psychiatrist, who got me on the 80 mg of Prozac. This helped me function well enough to work full time but the OCD remained a problem although my YBOCS score was down to a moderate level.
Since I've been off medication, my YBOCS score is back at the severe level. The thoughts go round and round in my head like a hampster on one of those wheels. They don't stop. They are always at the forefront of my mind and I find it very difficult to ignore them. The saving grace from the Prozac was that it lifted the depression. I have thoughts like "What will happen if I do X?" and it will go round and round in my head all the time. I balance my checkbook in my head too, I add and subtract money from my checking acct based on what I might buy. I spell words, I figure out acronyms, it just never stops. And the obsessions are frequently focused on catastrophes that might happen. I find it hard to drive sometimes because the car might blow up or go out of control and I might have a wreck. In recent years, I have been doing better with the obsessions regarding the car and now drive 40 minutes to work every day and 40 minutes home without much worry.
Lately I've been having trouble figuring out what's OCD and what's not. I met someone in 1995 on the OCD fairlight site and had a friendship with him. We've lost touch and I have tried calling his house a few times but he never returned my phone calls. Now I am thinking about him again and have considered calling him. I wonder if that's OCD or if it's just curiosity. I guess what I'm saying is that because I obsess about so many things I'm not always sure what a "normal" thought pattern is.
holly
poster:hollyocd
thread:416259
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20041113/msgs/416302.html