Posted by AMD on November 3, 2004, at 18:16:15
In reply to Re: Going psycho...! Please read., posted by banga on November 3, 2004, at 10:15:34
I don't think the paint fumes had anything to do with alcohol -- I think they triggered in me a reaction of "worry" that an ordinary person a) would not have had at all, or b) would have simply obviated by opening a window, and then forgetting about it.
In my case, however, that initial worry quickly descends into sheer obsessiveness to the point of actually "feeling" the symptoms I'd expect to have from the paint fumes themselves. But -- I don't really know what these feelings are. Instead, I am /depressed/ from the sudden panic -- and my depression causes the same symptoms I attribute to the paint fumes. So instead of saying, "I have entered a 'spontaneous' depression/OCD episode," I look instead for an external trigger that would explain the dive. And look, one is handy! It's the paint fumes!
The bigger problem is that I /still/ haven't been able to convince myself I /didn't/ do brain damage. I am trying -- but until I can get over that mental hurdle, I will continue to feel somewhat obsessed.
The alcohol drinking was a result of a bit of mania rearing its head -- that feeling of "fuck it, this depression is bullshit so I don't care what I do". I've calmed a bit since the weekend.
I am actually feeling a little more clear-headed now (at the office, and actually, I think I will be able to focus a bit today, maybe go to the gym), but because I still don't understand how I can have these physical and mental effects without an external influence (paint fumes, CO, etc.), it's hard for me to grasp the idea that they are not related. And thus, until I start feeling better -- and the cycle is typically one to two weeks -- I will point the finger at what triggered the episode to begin with. In hindsight, I can look back and say "that was ridiculous." But this current episode has been particularly vicious, and made it more difficult to think that paint fumes, in this case, didn't cause permanent damage.
It's a vicious cycle.
a
poster:AMD
thread:410665
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20041103/msgs/411269.html