Posted by verne on September 17, 2004, at 0:14:29
I have BPD and PTSD with alot of other stuff thrown in. Hyper-vigilant, agoraphobic, alcoholic, online-shopoholic. I don't go off my property much. I live in a self-imposed prison. Rides take me out and deliver me back.
I live in Iowa (i hope to escape some day) and doctors around here are unwilling to prescribe benzos. I'm on inderal LA 60mgs per day which greatly reduces the binges but, in the end, I still have no real life.
Most of today I worried over a toilet that mysteriously ran every 5 minutes. I have a few friends, from "back when" who still tolerate me, one a former plumber, who took a crack at my toilet - none solved the problem. This eats at me. I can't go out, and I can't go in.
Like I said, I hardly ever go off the property, so a malfunction in the house is a whole day - or a black hole.
I'm trying to get ready for my Monday's doctor appointment (md, no shrink in this county will even see me because of past BPD behavior). I would like to ask for a long-acting benzo, or any kind of benzo. I know they are uninhibiting but I don't drink when I take them so what's the harm? I might actually socialize more. But every doc I see is deadset against them.
I'm trapped in Iowa. I hate this place. Can't leave until I'm out of debt. Feel like an indentured servant. Been abusing herbs not meant for human consumption lately. Morning glory seeds, blue lily and lotus from ponds in Egypt and Nepal. I've messed with poisons for an escape.
My link with the outside, someone who's delivered the beer for 12 years, is terminally ill and no longer answers the phone. I think she's in the hospital or worse. I know, she's been an "enabler" but quite the shock to no longer have her. We became friends, especially recently when she needed something to do and I let her completely reorganize my house. Yesterday she drove over here to tell me she was sorry she couldn't shop for me anymore, she could barely stand. She may be gone (lung cancer since last Winter, given few weeks to live back then)
I'm in alot of emotional pain. I'm so tired of begging doctors for what really works - any benzo. I haven't taken any for 9 freaking years but since I ask for them, I'm considered "drug seeking". I'm 100% VA but they won't prescribe them either. Endless load of crap AD's with anti-cholengeric effects and the rest.
I need to move. Like faraway. I would rather be dead than go through this crap called life. Next thing on my "list" is to burn my Christmas tree.
verne
poster:verne
thread:391809
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040915/msgs/391809.html