Posted by JaybeeTee on January 2, 2004, at 10:34:49
has anyone else on lamictal or other nmood stabilizers felt that the lack of mental clarity they bring hinders the very thought processes that lead to motivation, specifically, with regard to exercise and committing to weight-loss eating?
i've been visiting this site for years...this is my first post. i am seeking the benefit of others' experience with BPII treatment.
i've struggled with major, episodic depressions with suicidal ideation (no attempts) for decades (i'm now 44). i've tried virtually every anti-D on the market, largely with temporary success. as a compulsive overater, wellbutrin has proven my truest friend over the years, but it has stopped working. now, it seems just to make me angry and irritable and i'm still overeating.
i've been doing talk therapy for decades, too. this time, i stuck with interpersonal psychoanalysis for 6 years, but recently terminated treatment in frustration that it's not helping - the major depressions and obsession with suicide have continued to come back time and again. my weight has been fairly steady for a few years, but i start to compulsively overeat when i am depressed.
when i terminated treatment, i contacted a psychiatrist i met with a few years back for a med evaluation. she diagnosed me (then and now) as BPII, a diagnosis i never accepted, and i started treatment with a different psychologist, who i've not yet really bonded with yet.
my last analyst had always said he "wasn't impressed" with my manic moods. but i came to believe the shoe fit, stopped the anti-Ds, and started depakote. the weight gain was immediate and substantial and i became a zombie. couldn't get off the couch or away from the fridge.
a few weeks ago, i started lamictal at 25 mgs and am titrating up slowly. a week ago, i went up to 50 mgs. i still can't stop eating. against my p-doc's recommendation, but with her consent, i have been experimenting with adding back 150 mg/day wellbutrin for its appetite suppressing affects. we also tried a tiny bit of ritalin over a few days to get me moving. nothing's helping, and i am increasing despair.
i an't connect with the new therapist, am increasingly frustrated with my p-doc and am plunging back into despair. i can't stop eating and am horrified about it. it's possible i used to use my hypo-manic moods for weight control. maybe this is just how "normies" feel. dunno. i get myself up to exercise (i used to be a marathon runner) and can't get out the door. when i do, i have no energy.
where's my old zeal? must i sacrifice that? at this point, i am considering discontinuing all talk therapy and all meds. i know that this is plain "crazy." obviously, someone who has major depression several times a year needs treatment. i know i experience euphoria at times, too, and certainly have mixed states. but i honestly don't think i'm just unwilling to let go of my hypo-mania (which i do like, i admit). i'd gladly give up those occasional highs if i could just feel "ok." but i am despairing of ever, EVER feeling "ok." i have perpetual brain fog on the mood stabilizers...i'm deperate to think clearly and to have that clarity that propels me to connect the dots of my life that motivate me. i have some effexor at home that i never tried and am contemplating taking it, again, against p-doc's recommendations. she keeps telling me to be patient - hard to do when i have quite literally outgrown everything in my closet and have nothing to wear...where is that svelte marathoner who used to enjoy going to the gym.
i know this is lengthy and not very specific...i guess i'm just in despair and flailing about for any bits of support, advice or experience...this is about as depressed as i have ever been without suicidal ideation, which may not be far off...
thanks.
poster:JaybeeTee
thread:295706
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20031231/msgs/295706.html