Posted by linkadge on August 11, 2003, at 7:01:14
In reply to Time to take off the Rose Colored Glasses, posted by Jaynee on August 10, 2003, at 23:09:41
My current diagnosis is bipolar but I don't really know if thats the case.
I am supposed to be taking Celexa 10 mg and Lithium 600 mg, but the mixture just puts me into a rage that neither does alone.
I have not taken stims although I take a lot of folic acid and b12. But I've experimented with that on and off and doesn't seem to matter.
When I close my eyes I see nothing. I have never done LSD/MDMA etc. I just dont know which reality to trust. THe light reality or the heavy one. The small reality or the large one.
My brain is just plain *fried* after coming off the lithium. Just totally fried.
I don't know what went wrong. I was loving and caring before I entered my first year of university. I visited my grandmother in the old age home every day in the summer months.
I have to work a night shift janitor job and all I know how to do now is hate. I just want to die because I just hate everyone and everything. I cannot explain it any other way except I just absolutely hate everything. I just want to smash everyhing and everybody.
When I started lithium I was perhaps euphoric manic, now Its just turned rotten, and my mind can't figure out weather Im manic or depressed.
Damn lithium. The stuffs more addictive than Celexa. You just go kooky getting off the stuff. Absolutely kookey. Your brain just goes haywire.
when I started it, yes I was euphoric but I could still get my thoughts straight. I wasn't suicidal in the slightest. I understand lithium is antisuicidal. But thats all the doctors care about, is weather or not you kill yourself. They really couldn't care less about the quality of your life. Lithium keeps you consistantly 30% below normal mental activity. YOu just cannot think in university, plain and simple. YOu cannot grasp anything. You try and explain to the doctor "I am not depressed I just cannot think properly - my brain is too slow" And If you take less lithium you go manic. And if you take antidepressant you go manic. Theres no damn ballance. Every single time you say to yourself "this is somewhere that I like - somewhere that I feel normal" then back comes that pressure to suceeed. That damn little thing inside you that says "now that you're thinking like yourself again you can get better marks than everyone - why not if you can" As soon as my brain knows that it can do better than others it will not let up untill it does do better.
I just want to die. Plain and simple.
There is nothing that can achieve sanity in me. I want to feel capable of doing stuff, but its the restraint I lack. The thing that says you can but you wont because there are better things to life than sucess. All mood stabalizers do is make you feel like you can't. They make you feel useless and weak, humble, and just like a nobody. Like you're nothing special just another brick on the wall. Thats the only way they can stop you from going is by making it mentally and pysically impossible to do so.
I know what you're going to say. Oh you need help and you need to call somebody. But I just don't care anymore. I've had so many heart palpitions and skipped beats that my heart is just a weak piece of mush. Even if I get better I will just die of a heart attack in a few years.
I just have this deathwish that I just don't even care to try and change. I used to be religious now I can't find anything to beleive in anymore. Shure I'll get better, but it'll just be the drugs.
Why am I even posting this?
Linkadge
poster:linkadge
thread:249918
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030807/msgs/249988.html