Posted by shrimp on June 8, 2003, at 18:35:43
Hi, this is my first posting, forgive me if it is long, disjointed, and rambling. Most of this is just venting, to see if anyone can really relate, because those in the real world never can, and i need some sort of connection. It's almost surreal, how disconnected i become, like I'm constantly walking around with a bad, a really bad, marijuana high. Much worse of course. I could be around mobs of people, and i would still feel completely alone, as i do with my boyfriend. I have been depressed for ten years, with intermittent periods of paralyzing,major depression. My boss actually asked me the other day why i wasn't hospitalized last year (my boyfriend left me and i lost 25 lbs., went down to 95 lbs. and my hair was falling out). I've tried Prozac-great for 3 mos., then became tired and apathetic,Zoloft, with Cylert, Wellbutrin and Provigil augmentation to no avail -similar to Prozac, Paxil, similar to other SSRI's. I actually think the SSRI's made my depression worse after they stopped working, if that makes any sense. they made me numb, never happy, never sad, disconnected. Had a great, actually perfect, one day remission with St. John's Wort, and also with the Zoloft/Cylert, but just one day. Parnate, great at first, pooped out, wound up raising dosage to 90, and my p-doc did not want to raise it. I'm currently on Nardil 60mg., with Wellbutrin, 400 mg. I had an amazing 3 days in week 4 on Nardil 45 mg. i finally felt like myself, and could not believe that people get to experience the sort of pleasure that is not avalable to depressives, all of a sudden life was in techicolor, my mind cleared completely, and i felt motivated and energetic. Of course, that did not last, and i sunk back. I've been on 60 mg. for about 3 days, and i'm shaky,tired,and extraordinarily weak. My vision is also a little funky. I am completely unable to exercise. While my mood is better, the anhedonia and lack of motivation persists.
Oh, a little background for those that care. My grandmother was schizophrenic and had Alzheimers, my uncle was schizophrenic, every last one of my uncles and my grandfather were alcoholics, as is my brother i suspect, and i have long dected signs of depression in my mother. Don't know if hers is heredity or the result of a highly traumatic childhood. I was alcoholic in my early, mid twenties, but i no longer drink. AD's suck, no sex, no cheese, no booze-just for one day to be able to experience it all, but i've pretty much resigned myself to my life as an AD guinea pig.
Oh, for those concerned with weight gain on nardil, this combo has caused me to lose weight. I'm almost never hungry. I don't know if this combo is contraindicated, as i couldn't find any postings, but no seizures yet!
The worst thing, and the things none of these meds can touch (nardil helps a bit), is I truly feel like i have lost my mind, literally. I graduated top of my class, always won academic awards, have been published blah blah blah and now i am a total dumbass. When i am depressed, i am unable to read, i can read a sentence over 10 times, and not tell you what ist means. I also cannot write. I am constantly thinking through mud. I've lost my vocabulary, which was always great. I cannot connect with anyone, so i don't have any support system outside of my boyfriend, and understandably, he is losing his patience. When i was not depressed, i had an incredibly active social life. This is agonizing for me, as i am a screenwriter, I am (was) extremely social and curious about life, and reading is my favorite pastime. I used to be really confident about my intellectual abilities, and my potential to really succed in life, and now i constantly feel like i'm learning disabled, I can't even compose a sentence sometimes. last night i read a letter that i had written a friend 7 years ago, and it sounded like someone else wrote it, it was clear, concise, witty, and funny, and it was a sad, sad reminder of the person i might never be again. I couldn't stop crying. I feel like I've lost my 20's, an entire decade, and i feel like some anemic, 90 yr. old version of myself, who is basically useless, just taking up space. It's indescribably painful. At these times, i wish i were dead, as I am normally very cerebral, and the depression has stolen my best quality, the one i consider the most important in life. When you brain basically shuts down, and you are completely incapable of experiencing pleasure, what's the point of being here? Has anyone tried the combo of Nardil and Wellbutrin? Will these side effects go away? Will it poop out? Since i am atypical, and i've tried parnate, i feel like i am running out of options, and i'm just so tired of taking a med, and not knowing who i'm going to be the next day. After 5 years of meds, i just feel so hopeless. And worst of all, never being able to plan a future or experience the joy of having children. So will this combo work? Has anyone tried it? Is there other options for really tough, deep seated atypical depression with social phobia? is there anything i could be augmenting it with? I'm olny 100 lbs., are these too many meds? I guess the alternative is worse. I've just started taking the flax oil, and a B supplement. Tried fish oil, made me reek, so will start eating gross canned salmon daily, along with usual diet of 8 pill/day. Any help, any tips or comments or even commiseration would hopefully dissipate this horrible lonliness.
poster:shrimp
thread:232463
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030604/msgs/232463.html