Posted by jerrympls on April 15, 2003, at 20:42:45
Maybe this post is supposed to be in a different forum - but who better to ask and talk to than everyone here in the med section.
About 9 months ago I revealed to my supervisor my involvement in the VNS implant study and explained briefly about my severe clinical depression because it was effecting my work more and more.
"Luckily" - I guess one could say - my supervisor was great and even tald me about a family member of hers who suffered the same.
I certainly didn't want special treatment - but calling in sick more and more wasn't looking the best - especially to my other manager who became more and more frsutrated with my spotty appearences at work.
After a couple months, all three of us had a meeting to discuss how we could make things better for all. They were really great about everything and will ing to help accomidate any needs in comliance w/ the ADA. Soon afterwards, they gave me a computer for home so I could work from home on days when the darkness became too visible.
I wish I had a happy ending....however, in the past 2-3 months my manager has been increasingly drustrated with me due to a "lack of communication" on the days I opt to work from home. She and I had a meeting about this and I certainly agreed that I needed to convey things in a better way. We agreed on some loose arrangements for working from home.....let me stress the word "loose."
The reason I am posting this here due to a couple of reasons:
1) To get any and all advice, experiences w/ workplace depression, etc.
2) To get some advice about how to convey some of my medications make me extremely hungover in the morning, etc - but without giving away my whole medical history.
3) To get some advice on meds that others have found helpful compared to the list (see below) that I currently take.With severe budget cuts looming over our dept. my anxiety level is sky-high constantly. But I am one of those employees who has specific duties that only I know how to do - which helps to save my butt. However, I come in a 8 am and work until 6:30-7pm everyday. NO LUNCH. I don't get comp time NOR do I ask. I just have soooo much to do, and a lot of it is that "behind-the-scenes" work - you know - not relly yielding consistant results - make sense?
Anyway, these past weeks my anxiety is horrible because my research docs want me to see a new psych doc (ugh) and it jusst seems like none my of meds are helping at all - minus the dexedrine and xanax. Plus, my manager tells me to delegate some of my less important duties (like making a bulletin board - yeah - a bulletin board) to students - and I have been able to delegate a small amount. Long story short - I am responsible for many things that my manager sees as "not rocket-science" (when they actually kinda are because she still doesn't know how to trurn on her computer) and I can't get ahead...I'm tired...I'm filled with hate....I'm anxious...I take my work home with me and nevber seem to get anywhere. And IF I actually DO finish a project - most likely I won't get any direct priase - it usually goes to the tech guys (one of whom I helped train and his position is above mine).
Here are my questions-
1) How can I call into work and explain I'm not doing well without going into detail?
2) How do I deal with supervisors/manager who give me a "that's a no-no" after a day or two of me being at home due to depression.
3) I take some very sedating meds jus tto be able to sleep - and I don't want to tell my manager any of this because I have gotten a clear signals that, while she has said she worries about me, she has no clue what depression is or how it effects mood, etc.
4) What do I need to do to NOT feel guilty if I decide to stay home and work? Even tho at our very first meeting w/ my manager and top supervisor - said they completely understand. However, every time I come back to work after being "sick" I get this passive-aggressive attitude from them. Once, my supervisor emailed me and said she was disappointed because I had chosen to take off a day that was very busy for the dept. and many arrangement had to be made to cover my shift. Well, I wrote back to her reminding her that I had an experimental IMPLANT in my chest and I do not have control over how/when it works or needs to be fine-tuned. After that message she calmed down.As a said before - budget cuts looming and layoffs a very real possibility - I need to protect myself. I've been told my both manger and supervisor that I "do exceptional work," many times. It's all a mess - but it isn't. Th main prob is with my direct manager - she makes comments like "I know it's not the greatest to have your illness- like not feeling like doing things and stuff...." Yeah - she said that.
Anyway, I just don't want to use my depression and/or treatment as a scapegoat - but it certainly does effect things.
I have an appointment to see one of our Employee Asst. counselors tomorrow along with a specialist with Disability Services.
I really really do great work - but it's alot of stuff they don't or won't see directly. If they lay me off -I don' t know what I would do...
Sorry for such a terribly long email. I don't know if it makes any sense at all - I'm just so worried and mad and burned out.
Anyone? Anyone w/ similar experiences? advice? anything!
Here are my meds:
Seroquel 300mg/night for sleep
80mg Dexedrine spansules (2 cap. 4 times a day)
Lexapro 40mg (I think?)
Xanax - .5mg 3x daily
Ambien - 20mg for sleep
Omega-3/6 fish oil concentrate -3-5grams/daily
Androgel 5mg topical
Hydrocortisone - 10mg in the mornI also take ahandful of meds for asthma, GERD, and adult acne.
Oh - and my Borg implant.
So....there it is...*sigh*.........help.......
Jerry......
poster:jerrympls
thread:219670
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030411/msgs/219670.html