Posted by bretbe on April 3, 2003, at 10:25:46
In reply to P.S. , posted by SBOATRN on April 2, 2003, at 21:00:26
Thanks again SB! Sorry to hear you suffer as well, but glad you get some help with the Benzo. Yes, I've long realized there are many people on this planet suffering from all kinds of both common and obscure diseases, syndromes, life situations, etc. in addition to mental illnesses. In fact, I wonder if "normal" is actually abnormal but it just seems a lot more people are having a much better time, or at least "tolerable" enough that don't look forward to death. I don't ask "why me?" because "why not me?...I'm not so special", i.e., someone has to be the person suffering. Still, it doesn't give me any comfort knowing there are millions of others suffering too...it just makes me more cynical.
For me, I've come to believe that I have at least two distinct disorders; one being a bad case of generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and one being a depressive disorder not really understood by anyone. Unfortunately there is not near the amount of medical help for treating ongoing anxiety as there is depression. And, I'm starting to think the real driver of my illness is my ongoing anxiety which activates the depression, especially after my experiment with Klonopin. I don't have the panic attacks or even any somatic results of anxiety (e.g., no fluttering feeling, no clammy hands, heart dysrythmia, and my blood pressure is actually on the low side), rather, it's all shoved up into my head. I have had massages in which my body is totally relaxed, yet my brain is so wound up, I get no benefit from it...as if a complete disconnect between my brain and body. But when life events would be stressful for a normal person, my anxiety and depression sky-rocket and desire for ending my life greatly increases. I seem to be unusually susceptible to stressors that others might find difficult but nothing to kill themselves over. So clearly, life events play a role and the anxiety seems to creep up from within me, as if I have not control over it, rather than anything I "think" about the situtation (e.g., Cognitive Behavioral techniques have been inneffective).
Like you, I have also had aweful experiences on similar meds as you, i.e., Welbutrin, Buspar, and other SSRI's. I thought my head would explode on Welbutrin; not from any real physical effect (e.g., not a hypertensive crisis) but the subjective feeling my head would burst from the intense mental pain.
Also, my depression is not the "leaden" kind (no energy, can't go to bathroom, etc.) rather, I usually have plenty of energy, except when meds sedate me, but the feeling is as I've described before of high dysphoria, mental pain, anguish, etc. Hopelessness feels like a natural conclusion to my situation more than being driven by some irrational feeling or thought. Wanting to die also feels more like a logical conclusion because of the overwhelming feelings of pain and misery. You know, I have had so much hope offered by therapists (e.g., "If I just get in touch with my inner child") and psychiatrists (e.g., "the new medication will do the trick"), only to then be disappointed yet again and reinforcing that nobody really understands this thing and there doesn't seem to be anything that helps. It just makes sense the life holds no potential for me to live normally again. In fact, if feels as if the cowardly thing to do is to keep living; to keep subjecting myself to such misery when the "brave" thing would be to end it. I'm not saying that's how it should be, but it "feels" that way as a natural conclusion to the years of pain, lack of help, and apperhently no help in sight. I'm not a wuss either, I've endured and endured throughout this illness, functioning on the outside as if everything is ok, still managing to finish grad school and work professionally (although now I'm layed off which is causing additional anxiety). All the while holding inside this "secret" misery because I don't want others to see how screwed up I am, or feel, inside...this freakishly aweful pain.
Anyway, since you asked, here are the meds I've been on and although there are a lot, I suppose there are still more to try but not really any new "classes" as far as I understand. And, since I had such a bad "trip" on Welbutrin and other dopamine enhancers, it makes me think any new meds for dopamine would just activate my anxiety and blow up my head again. Here they are:
Prozac & Zanax
Imipramine & Valium
Pamelor (Nortryptaline)
Welbutrin
Prozac at higher doses
Lithium
Desyrel
Buspar
Effexor
Prozac at lower doses & Desyrel
Amatryptaline
Paxil
Nardil (MAOI)
Mellaril (anti-psychotic)
ECT
Mellaril & Depakote & Klonopin (Clonazepam)
Luvox & Mellaril & Clonazepam
Clonazepam only
Serzone & Clonazapam
Ritalin (Amphetamine) & Clonazepam
Luvox at higher levels & Clonazepam
Remeron (SSRI/NARI) & Clonazepam
Tegretol & Clonazepam
Lamictal & Clonazepam
Depakote & ClonazepamThe latest psychiatrist's idea is that since treating my illness as unipolar depression didn't work, why not approach it like a bipolar, even though I don't have any mania. I have a creative background, so it could be loosely described as hypomanic I suppose, but I don't find the experience pleasureable or more miserable...the pain is pretty constant exept during periods of higher stress when it gets even worse. That's why I'm now suspecting my illness is perhaps most attributed to an anxiety disorder...since none of the unipolar or bipolar meds have worked and the Klonopin is the only thing that makes a dent in it, at least when there is a minimal amount of stress in my life (I am very hyper-reactive to normal stressors).
Okay, got to stop here. Sorry to talk your ears off. Thanks again for the info on panic! I genuinely wish you the best, God knows there are enough people suffering on this planet. Here I have been talking about me, me, me...I hope you're doing okay these days. Again, I feel bad for talking down about Klonopin; clearly it's a life-saver for many so I wouldn't mess with it if I were you. And I know doctors are skeptical about low doses...probably making you feel like a hypocondriac or typical empty nest syndromer or something, but I know for a fact now that even a relatively small amount of Klonopin can make a big difference.
Best wishes!
Feel free to email me as well: bretbe@excite.com
poster:bretbe
thread:214700
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030402/msgs/215765.html