Posted by bretbe on April 2, 2003, at 17:48:53
In reply to Thanks, posted by SBOATRN on April 1, 2003, at 13:24:49
SB RN (you're a nurse?) Thanks for your feedback and concern! I'm curious about the symptoms for which you take Klonipin. I don't think I've ever met anyone with quite the same set of symptoms I have. I hear similar words used for depression and anxiety but they seem to have different meanings for others in how they elaborate on their subjective feelings. However, since I started back on my full dose of 1 mg./day Klonopin (I had painfully cut back from 1mg to .5mg over the course of a year), the most severe aspects of my illness have diminished to a less intense level, i.e., the miserable dyshporia, anxiety, guilt, dispair, doom-gloom, life is insurmountable burden, I'll never be able to pull it off, can't wait until I die, etc. feelings.
The truth is my "pain" or illness (TRD/anxiety/BP NOS-->no mania) has never EVER subsided (NOT a "from time-to-time" phenomenon); I just endure endlessly which is what makes it so torturous...if I could just get a break even occasionally! It just seems I have periods of being able to better function, or cope, DESPITE how I feel inside; I always LOOK normal; just feel Hellish inside. I'd just love to feel "normal" for just a few moments but after 15 years, I only have vague memories of what that was like...I just remember that living wasn't so constantly painful (e.g., I could relax on the sofa and feel good, relaxed) and I didn't constantly look forward to death. Even vacations have been painful with this illness sometimes even a reminder of how sick I am compared to normal...I don't enjoy them other than they are less painful than having to work on top of my mental pain. I have plenty of energy but I am especially susceptable to extreme anxiety from normal stressors.
Anyway, I too am currently only taking Klonopin as all other meds have failed. Having now taken less Klonopin and now taking my old dosage, whether it is dependance or helping, I feel less profoundly miserable taking the full dose; I hate accepting degrees of misery...I'd rather find a full remission but I've never, not even for one day, had such; well, I did once try getting stone drunk (I'm not usually a drinker) and I got a huge smile on my face because it was the first time I felt pain-free in my head. It was sort of sickly reassuring that something is genuinely wrong with my brain and not everyone feels as crappy as me all the time; that's why they don't look forward to the day they die like I do.
Ok, sorry to ramble but thanks again for your words and hey, if Klonopin is working for you, I'd stay on it too especially after the little "experiment" I've had this year in trying to get off it. I guess I at least proved it does something for me. I really ought to think about getting better before worrying about getting off medications. Like I've often thought, I'd take any side-effect if I could just feel better!
Best wishes!
poster:bretbe
thread:214700
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030402/msgs/215549.html