Posted by bozeman on February 21, 2003, at 23:12:12
In reply to Hey Bozeman!, posted by EGR on February 20, 2003, at 23:28:54
> I haven't "seen" you in awhile. Is all fine and dandy, or are things really bad? Or are you just busy? I hope you're just too busy to post and not that you're having problems.
>
> You're missed! :-)
>
> EGRHi EGR!!
Life has exploded (imploded a better word perhaps?) I've been venting over on social about my troubles (someone must have kidnapped my boyfriend, as there's a rabid wolverine in his place -- my kitty baby tried to die on me but I wouldn't let him -- luckily he's as tough as his mama ha ha -- etc ad nauseum.)
The *good* news is, I saw my doctor yesterday and we discussed (among other things) the difference in
*chemical* and *emotional* depression. She says it's perfectly normal and OK for someone going through all this to be upset (almost certain impending breakup of long-term relationship, etc, etc) but the point is to keep me from being chemically depressed so I can still have my coping skills. And she's right -- it feels completely different than the "crush-the-breath-out-of-you" depression I was fighting before the Lexapro. I'm sad and stressed, but it's from actual events, not from "anticipating/dreading" events, if that makes any sense.Like the impeding breakup. This is probably the first time in my life I've been able to sit and work through it in my mind without going to pieces. It's almost like we've already split, and I wish it didn't have to be so, but it is, and I can't change him. His way of dealing with issues is yell and then avoid/ignore, so they never get resolved. I've always known this about him, so I've always backed off and let him have his way. The biggest reason I started taking Lexapro is my doctor was concerned that I seemed to be forcing myself farther and farther back into a box (and it was slowly compressing me to a point where I would have eventually exploded.) She was right -- I was avoiding his anger by refusing to stand up to him. Since getting stable on Lexapro, I don't fear his anger (I'm not so rejection-sensitive :-) and I speak my mind. Don't pick fights, but don't back down if he picks one, either. So he's getting more and more unstable lately, (probably because he's insecure of my feelings since I'm verbally standing up to him) and that makes me very sad. I know he is just feeling threatened, but I can't change how he feels, only he can, and if being with me, who I *really* am, makes him feel threatened to that extent, then better that we make a clean break now. It makes me very sad but I can't change it. :-( Don't get me wrong, he's not violent and he would never hurt me. But he's violently opinionated, probably because he's insecure about his opinions, and he needs as much therapy as I've had to work through those issues. But he's waaaay to stubborn and obstinate to get it. So our impasse is permanent, it seems. I can't/ won't give up who I am, and he can't let go of the past without help, and he won't get help. Endgame. =-(
But at least I'm a different kind of sad -- it doesn't feel like the end of the world. I always wondered how people could break up and just go on with their lives -- not go into a screeching halt from grief. Now I know. Those people weren't clinically, chemically depressed. And, as much as I have always argued about it, I apparently have been for nearly thirty years, if not my entire life.
Hope everything is well in your world, my friend. Thanks for checking on me. I'll check back in when things calm down a bit.
bozeman
poster:bozeman
thread:109458
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030219/msgs/202666.html