Posted by JohnV on February 17, 2003, at 7:28:57
In reply to Re: Psychotic errors can be reversed » JohnV, posted by rayww on February 16, 2003, at 9:46:54
Ray..thanks very much for your time and thought. These are really important issues, and you initial questions helped me think about the bigger picture regarding my situation, and mental illness in general. You also mentioned you have to deal with some major issues most of us don't, and I feel deeply for you, because you have every right as a human to unconditionaly live a rich and happy life. I wanted to respond to a few more of your comments..so here goes:>
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> >I have developed this real fear of the world and going outside, especially as a result of the more manic times in my cycling.
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> So, although you may not be manic or depressed at the present, you still fear the world. I haven't recognized that in myself, but I know that more times than not I get to the bank 1 minute before closing, or walk into meetings 10 minutes late, or put off grocery shopping all day, when I intended on going in the morning.Yeah, it's like this switch goes off, and even a sunny day can all of a sudden feel and seem dark, dreary and dreadful. Then when you avoid things, you become less confident, and the depression and tears just flow and flow. I recall even a few weeks ago getting my Mom a birthday card at a drug store, and all of a sudden the tears just started, and wouldn't stop. Absolutely no control, but I truly think we have to be gentle with ourselves about this, and even with all of the 'cognitive behavioural therapy' in the world, sometimes you just "cannot" tell yourself how or what to feel.
> > They where indeed psychotic breaks but that isn't to say all mania is psychotic.
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> Why would anyone want to file their super mom or superman accomplishments into the psychotic folder? Super poet, super artist, super writer. The world needs these people. If I am on a committee I will seek out the bipolars to work with me. I will accept and love all the parts.I think this is an issue with me because I tend to have a large crossover with my mania, and a very closely related "dysphoric" mania, which easily leads to a psychotic break from relaity. I tend to be irritated, and deeply frustrated at what is beyond my control. I had a quite severe learning disability as a child, and logical tasks where deeply hard for me. Part of that is still with me, even if I can pull off A's in university. But sometimes I fall flat on my face, and again the frustration leads to anger, and again it can almost become the dysphoric mania and even traces of psychosis. Does that make sence?..hehe.
> > I found it so important to tackle that fear of going outside into the world, because it is robbing me of my life and chances to enjoy it. I fear the arrogance that people feel towards someone like us in that they think they are mindfully superior.
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> The world so needs understanding! and people >need to protect one another.Yes..I so heartedly agree, but as you know, the focus on every aspect of our lives in the Western World is based on this "always happy" persona, where everybody is always laughing, has a nice home, drive nice cars, etc. In fact, we have all of these pop-psychologists telling us "don't worry...be happy", and as one friend put it, it's like we've developed this "Supermodel" image of what our internal psyche should be. Like real-world physical "Supermodels", I think it is a very unhealthy thing, and we are really starving our "souls" of the wonderful wide range of emotions you don't see usually in the "workday world" or even on the idiot-box t.v.
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> >I have never liked competition, and have always felt most of it is dangerous because it divides people. Hence I don't like sports and even when trying to get a good job, we feel like somebody else is measuring our worthiness up.
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> So, we give up and don't try. I am in my give-up mode right now. I can't even see through simple chores. But I have a lot of hope and I am going to write a book on how to work through any type of mood. some day.It's really that hope, even the tiniest glimpse of it, I think that carries us on even in the darkest days. I think it would be wonderful if you wrote a book on your experiences, because we need more stories of both struggle and even small victories for us "mental health consumers" out there. I find a lot of value in reading first-person narrative of someones struggle with mental illness, because I think often in those we can find a reality and even hope we could never get from some "10 ways to make yourself happy" type book. And yes it is absolutely ok to just have those times when you say..."f**k it", survival mode, exile mode, I call it, or also "write off days" as I also called them. Focus on this minute you are in...and blank out worries about tommorow...because your soul is needy at this moment, and you can't ignore that. This may sound cliche, but time proves to be such a great healer...sometimes. Even if it takes years.
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> > Maybe this all is my depression and anxiety speaking. I find it so hard to distinguish between the two as time goes on.
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> The distress of the illness is this confusion of emotions. When you feel depression in the mania, or constant anxiety, its hard to know if you need a pill or a change in lifestyle. Even a crisis, or a sudden disaster cannot snap us back in order. It only puts us into another state of being.Yes, exactly. I tend to keep it as simple as I can...and focus in the deepest dark times on symptoms. My doctor can help me with this too...and if it's anxiety, treat it as such. Depression, the same. And psychosis, the same. Once we find some ground to grasp onto, and the symtoms fade, we can continue our little babysteps. When everything is mixed up, my doctor will treat each of the symptoms together, and it is in therapy I hope to be able to use to help plan longer term goals with my symptoms tamed.
> >I am about to go into an outpatient hospital program after 8 or so years of mostly Hell with my illness. A few doctors have stated I seem to sit somewhere between an aggitated depression and severe anxiety, and possibly bipolar 2 with very rapid cycling. I am sure many of us have felt this, and that is sometimes I feel like an alien, and just watch the world go on while I shrivel into my corner. But I know there are millions out there suffering the same fate, and that barely has sustained me, sometimes.
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> I wish you all the best.
> What medication have you tried?Hey..thanks very much. I've pretty much been on everything you can prescribe in N. America, but am finding low dose Effexor plus higher dose Clonazepam, and PRN Risperdal the most effective out of the bunch. The clonazepam at higher doses takes the place of a mood stabalizer, which it pretty much acts like, with excellent anti-anxiety benefits.
How about yourself? You seem to have an excellent grasp and perspective on your situation. I'd seriously keep that book writing in mind. Have any medications helped lay the 'groundwork' towards healing?
> > If this is a part of me, though, I certainly am not going to go apologizing to the world for it. I figure as long as I don't hurt anybody else, we have a right to what is a deep part of us. In fact I think it is a part of the human condition, and maybe all of the 'normals' are the odd-ones out who should be forced to be on medication and in therapy.
> >
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> I have often thought that too.
> Oh, to have someone who could love all the parts of us, without trying to fix the broken ones. Just let us break once in awhile, we'll be all right in a few days. Let us swing, let us roll, let us be ourselves. You are right, we are all the parts, but there is beauty to be found in every one of them. However, having said that, I do realize the danger of the mania, and the need to suppress harmful behavior. Strong religious values are not strong enough if the spiritual wires get crossed.Yes indeed! I should have added a few more things to my statement above, because I know that in a deep depression or manic phase, there is the potential to do some nasty harm. Plus, it just feels *horrid*, so uncomfortable, like a zillion volts running through the body. But, we gain a ton of insight from our experiences, and sometimes it feels like somebody who hasn't "been there" just can't relate and that makes me a bit sad.
> I went on the truehope program in September and found the real me. I'm not sure I like her. She seems lazy, and sits around the computer too much waiting for the mood to strike, which somehow isn't there any more. I have lived my whole life according to mood (mode). So, rather than learn how to set goals and deliberately work toward them, long term, I have always worked in short term cycles, according to mood. I think I need illumination of mind in order to see through people and projects. How do normal people survive? To me they seem like robots, like they program a routine into their brain, and never again have to think about it. but, alas, I do wish I could do that. maybe I will try. or else throw my supplements away and go for the mood.
Are you still on the TrueHope program? Do you take any medications? I did quite well one year on a prescribed vitamin and suppliment program. Things where going good in my life at the time, though, so I think that helped make things well.
The effects where just as good as from any medication, but it took me a long time to build it up and find the right balance. I have been on Effexor for so long, and it has helped, that I wouldn't dare stop it after all my other experiments. And yes, I opperate in the same way, working according to my mood/mode and having a hard time with long-term goals.If you become too uncomfortable with the mental direction you are going in right now, have you considered either good therapy or further medication trials? Having swallowed most psych pills in existence, I'd be more than glad to offer any of my perspective matched with your symtoms. It may not amount to much, but there always is a chance.
I have found that the times I can 'move on' in life are ones when I have both put my past in proper perspective, can laugh at myself, forgiven some others, and have a small task to accomplish. ANything too big is out of the question.
Anyways, I hope to hear from you, and hope you are able to find some peace in your day. Sincerely,John (the 'V' one:)
poster:JohnV
thread:200688
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030214/msgs/201093.html