Posted by rayww on February 16, 2003, at 9:46:54
In reply to Re: Psychotic errors can be reversed » rayww, posted by JohnV on February 16, 2003, at 7:02:08
JohnV I would like to respond to every word you have written, because you have expressed some things here that are very significant.
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>I have developed this real fear of the world and going outside, especially as a result of the more manic times in my cycling.So, although you may not be manic or depressed at the present, you still fear the world. I haven't recognized that in myself, but I know that more times than not I get to the bank 1 minute before closing, or walk into meetings 10 minutes late, or put off grocery shopping all day, when I intended on going in the morning.
> They where indeed psychotic breaks but that isn't to say all mania is psychotic.
Why would anyone want to file their super mom or superman accomplishments into the psychotic folder? Super poet, super artist, super writer. The world needs these people. If I am on a committee I will seek out the bipolars to work with me. I will accept and love all the parts.
> I found it so important to tackle that fear of going outside into the world, because it is robbing me of my life and chances to enjoy it. I fear the arrogance that people feel towards someone like us in that they think they are mindfully superior.
The world so needs understanding! and people need to protect one another.
>I have never liked competition, and have always felt most of it is dangerous because it divides people. Hence I don't like sports and even when trying to get a good job, we feel like somebody else is measuring our worthiness up.So, we give up and don't try. I am in my give-up mode right now. I can't even see through simple chores. But I have a lot of hope and I am going to write a book on how to work through any type of mood. some day.
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> Maybe this all is my depression and anxiety speaking. I find it so hard to distinguish between the two as time goes on.The distress of the illness is this confusion of emotions. When you feel depression in the mania, or constant anxiety, its hard to know if you need a pill or a change in lifestyle. Even a crisis, or a sudden disaster cannot snap us back in order. It only puts us into another state of being.
>I am about to go into an outpatient hospital program after 8 or so years of mostly Hell with my illness. A few doctors have stated I seem to sit somewhere between an aggitated depression and severe anxiety, and possibly bipolar 2 with very rapid cycling. I am sure many of us have felt this, and that is sometimes I feel like an alien, and just watch the world go on while I shrivel into my corner. But I know there are millions out there suffering the same fate, and that barely has sustained me, sometimes.
>I wish you all the best.
What medication have you tried?> If this is a part of me, though, I certainly am not going to go apologizing to the world for it. I figure as long as I don't hurt anybody else, we have a right to what is a deep part of us. In fact I think it is a part of the human condition, and maybe all of the 'normals' are the odd-ones out who should be forced to be on medication and in therapy.
>I have often thought that too.
Oh, to have someone who could love all the parts of us, without trying to fix the broken ones. Just let us break once in awhile, we'll be all right in a few days. Let us swing, let us roll, let us be ourselves. You are right, we are all the parts, but there is beauty to be found in every one of them. However, having said that, I do realize the danger of the mania, and the need to suppress harmful behavior. Strong religious values are not strong enough if the spiritual wires get crossed.I went on the truehope program in September and found the real me. I'm not sure I like her. She seems lazy, and sits around the computer too much waiting for the mood to strike, which somehow isn't there any more. I have lived my whole life according to mood (mode). So, rather than learn how to set goals and deliberately work toward them, long term, I have always worked in short term cycles, according to mood. I think I need illumination of mind in order to see through people and projects. How do normal people survive? To me they seem like robots, like they program a routine into their brain, and never again have to think about it. but, alas, I do wish I could do that. maybe I will try. or else throw my supplements away and go for the mood.
poster:rayww
thread:200688
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030214/msgs/200879.html