Posted by cubbybear on February 8, 2003, at 3:28:53
In reply to Re: Cubbybear » LyndaK, posted by cubbybear on February 7, 2003, at 3:34:02
Lynda,
Please help, please please please help. I've sunk so low I fear that I'm approaching a state of being non-functional. It's a long story so please bear with me. I had my regular session with my pdoc last night and it left me feeling vexed and upset. (Before I forget to mention it, we decreased the Aurorix by another notch, so I have about 13 days to go on it, if I survive that long).Anyway, about 2 or three things were said by my pdoc, whom I ordinarily respect and like a good deal. Keep in mind that this is Thailand, and I really can't switch to anyone else at this stage of the game and don't want to, despite the strain in our relationship.
He said some things last night that really threw me for a loop:
1) Regarding Aurorix, he expressed the belief that he thought no anti-depressant could cause anyone's depression to actually worsen. For more than a week, I had figured that this was the case, so at least I could "blame" this wretched drug for hurting me. We know for sure that it didn't help. But my doc felt it was quite unlikely for an AD to make my depression worse. That in turn got me wondering and worried that, even when I do stop taking it, I would still be feeling bad, contrary to what the other posters had said.Second, although he went on maintaining that although I'm not clinically "severely" depressed, he was concerned that maybe my depression would make me become non-functional at my job and cause me to lose my job. This planted a seed like a power of suggestion or self-fulfilling prophecy, if you understand what I mean. It got me very scared.
Lastly, he suggested that, at this point, I start taking a small and safe amount of XANAX since Xanax is the only benzo type drug that has some anti-depressant effects and it could serve as a bridge of sorts during the transition to Parnate. But I'm a very very difficult patient and I threw up some resistance, since I'm already taking 3.75 mg./day of Klonopin and was afraid of adding yet another benzo. He's the doctor and perhaps I should have taken his advice but I sort of balked and put forth my own suggestion.
I suggested that we try dividing the dose of Klonopin so I'd be taking 3 mg. before bed and the remaining .75 during the day. (but looking back, I guess this was stupid on my part since Klonopin has no anti-depressant attributes). He went along with my idea.
When it was time for bed, I took the 3 mg. Klonopin, compared to my usual 3.75, and woke up only two hours later. I knew I'd never be able to get back to sleep and began to feel anxious and panicky. So I thought, to heck with this arrangement. I took the remaining .75 mg and got a little bit more sleep, but finally woke up at around 6 or 7 A.M. beat to shreds. I had a piano lesson to teach and so I went through with it, but just barely. Even the kids' parents got to know what I was going through, as I confided it to them (the mother is Thai, the father is Japanese, by the way).
I was then determined to dash off to the hospital. We learned over the phone that the doctor's schedule was full but he'd try to fit me in anyway.
Now, keep in mind that previously he had said that he didn't want me running there every time I felt an emergency. But by God, this was the emergency of emergencies, when I felt as if I was becoming non-functional, so what was I to do? When he finally came in to see me as I was lying down, I told him what I had felt about our session and how horrible I felt. He got nearly exasperated (which I can partly understand) and said something like, "Steve, I think that you are beyond my ability to treat you." His time was limited and he was uncommonly abrupt, so I then told him I had realized perhaps I SHOULD take his advice and go ahead with the Xanax at this time. So he wrote a prescription for a small amount and we kept our next appointment for next Friday.
I could say a lot more, but you have no idea of the agony and sense of despair and hopelessness I feel now. I don't know if I'm going to make it, to be able to do my job next week, to do anything. Other people reading this post might very well say, "get yourself another pdoc" or something like that, but I am where I am and it basically can't be done for many reasons. I very much want to know your thoughts on all this and need your support so much now. I can barely move; it's just a world of pain and agony. I'm also going to post a new thread regarding the taking of multiple benzos.Steve
poster:cubbybear
thread:137446
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030204/msgs/140104.html