Posted by BarbaraCat on August 19, 2002, at 13:57:33
In reply to Re: Neurontin » cybercafe, posted by momo3 on August 18, 2002, at 21:54:20
Dear Holly,
How in God's name do you manage to be a Mom to 3 kids while going through all you've described? I marvel at you. I've thought many times while in a bad state how utterly impossible it would be if I had kids on top of it. I know parents say that you just do what you have to do, but even so, the stress and disruption would seem magnified exponentially with a mood disorder. I bless you and your Mommy-ness.I think it was Cybercafe who said that the 'caged animal' feeling was largely due to frustration gone out of control. I totally agree. I get this feeling of wild energy all bottled up in my body with no outlet. I can't even work it out because I'm too frazzled and fried to put one foot in front of the other, and during these times I feel truly ill.
The confusion for me stems from the fact that when I start raging or weeping, there are perfectly good reasons for doing so. The world is in an awful state, my childhood was very frightening, being out of work and physically and mentally ill is terrifying. It's hard to separate when I'm reacting normally to situations and when I'm descending into the pit again. And the rage! whew! My childhood was very abusive and I have much to be enraged about. For the most part, I can look at it philosophically and with compassion towards my poor clueless parents. But sometimes something will trigger a nerve, especially when I'm on the edge, and it's like a sleeping volcano erupts. It's all very real and not imagined, but my antenna picks up only the bad scary and evil stuff when I'm depressed. I absolutely forget about things like grace, endurance, friendship and family, etc. Unfortunately, I've hurt many feelings along the way during my nastier episodes. People may forgive, especially those who have suffered similarly themselves, but no one ever forgets.
poster:BarbaraCat
thread:107896
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020814/msgs/116955.html