Posted by Mr. Scott on February 12, 2002, at 19:58:15
If you've read all this and post a response (if you can), I promise to do my diligence and 'Get You Back' when I can help.
I cannot relax unless I am TOTALLY depressed or exhausted. I cannot get to work on time to save my life (luckily I can come in late and work late). My office is always a mess (hundred of notes scratched on little pieces of paper I cannot throw away). I am usually lethargic, except when I have something to do. Then I am like a chicken with it's head cut off. I can multi-task on 5 important tasks at once, but If I know I have time I will forget about it until the deadline.
I cannot pace myself I either do everything at once or nothing at all. I find it hard to leave work until every last thing is done instead of looking at the week or the actual amount of time I have to complete a task. I never remember names of people I meet until I meete them several times. This I think pisses people off at times or I seem unfriendly, but truth is I can't remmber who these people are half the time.
Once I do decide to take something on I am very intense about it, so as to get it perfect and not mess up. I'm depressed on one hand and manic on the other. My father is clearly dysthymic and my mother is clearly hyperthymic and I have both of their qualities.
Every morning on the way to work I feel a sense of dread coming over me...Fear and anxiety build. And considering that that I will hit snooze for two hours before getting out of bed when I get into work, I am like a bull at a rodeo (unless it's a down time and then I'm lethargic). What's odd is that when I'm half asleep I could care less about getting up on time or anything else for that matter.
My mood cycles throughout the day. I Feel moments of mild euphoria and dysphoria. I am highly cynical and always gravitate towards the unruly crew rather than the dogooders, but people who know me think I'm very funny and intelligent.
Stimulants alone or with SSRI's turn me into a weirdo and generally don't help because they worsen my anxiety too much. Mood stabilizers make me dumb (although I'm currently retrying some). Benzo's are nice for the way I feel, but make me a total idiot. AD's are okay. i actually can kick the depressions with most of them and it's the side effects I can't tolerate or make me bounce from one to the other.
I am very impulsive, a super thinker, who not only dwells on the why of everything, but also literally can't stop thinking and if I'm not thinking, some intense tunes are blasting away in my head.
I guess my question is 'what he hell is wrong with me?' I am working with my doctor to figure this out, but the posts on this board have been immensely helpful. Also, sometimes I can't quite say to my doc what I manage to say here (can't remember what I was thinking or express it), and if I can discuss them here I seem to be better able to regurgitate my thoughts on the couch.
Sorry for the length, I know when I'm really down I can't even read the paper.
Scott
poster:Mr. Scott
thread:93926
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020208/msgs/93926.html