Posted by BarbaraCat on January 17, 2002, at 14:55:50
In reply to How depressed are YOU?, posted by spike4848 on January 14, 2002, at 19:29:53
I've been having some VERY bad days lately. Utterly despairing, bleak, inconsolable, a big push to get out of bed. Once I do, I wander around feeling like I'm wading through swampy polluted waters and tend to not get much done. Plus my body hurts, I'm tired and don't think clearly. My poor husband is a patient and compassionate guy, but I can't allow myself to drag him down into this morass he can't comprehend. It's beginning to affect him and then I feel doubly guilty on top of it all.
My psychic antenna is tuned into all the pain, suffering and horror in the world. Yesterday, all I could do was pray for patience until the worst of this passes. But in the meantime, life doesn't stop and there are bills and such things that are piling up, no jobs on the horizon, and the hole gets dug deeper and deeper (and no, my husband can't take care of these issues - he has his own brand of malfunction).
Part of this is due to my decision to come off my AD meds, none of which (nor augmentation )were working but were ruining my physical health. Really, I've tried 'em all and they don't last. (That's not to say I'm off them forever, just a chance to clear out all the junk and start up with a new regimen in the near future). The only relief is Klonopin which allows me to zone out and survive a soul agony that no one should have to go through. This is pretty grim and thank God I'm not involved in a high-stress job anymore (I'm trying for SSI benefits).
I keep reminding myself that I'M SICK and it's the depression talking when I'm lost in darkness, but I get to wondering about hauntings and evil and other spooky things, cause my brand of the pits is very very horrific, dark and hopeless. No chance of suicide for me. For good or worse, my take on that is that it's not an escape and I'd end up in the same horror in another lifetime. I can only pray that my brain will seek to heal itself (with the help of my Inner Presence, whom I've come to rely on more and more).
There really is ultimately no one but myself to turn to anymore and that's pretty scary, but today at least there is hope that I'll find my way through. My Pdoc (and others before him) is fishing around and coming up with nothing that works or is available in this country, and I've come to the decision to find my own recipe (all of your input has been invaluable). I'm ordering some drugs from overseas that I have a feeling will help (adrafinil is one), I'll combine it with my maintenance dose of Remeron and report back. But this sucks, it really does. -- Barbara
> Sometimes I read other posts are feel like I am cursed with depression plus. Off nardil ....
>
> I sleep 16 hours a day
> Feel like I have 100 lbs weights on my feet
> Can't taste food
> Have no sense of smell
> Can't drag myself out of my apartment
> Can't drag myself to eat
> Don't answer the phone
> Can't smile
> Never see my friends
>
> Basically sit in bed and obsess about how terrible I feel
>
> I see other's who say there depressed say things like, I cry alot (.... I wish I could feel anything, even sadness) or can't have difficulties at work or have problem with anger.
>
> Do you guy here feel more like me ... dead to the world, or like the people I described above .... sad and angry.
>
> Spike
poster:BarbaraCat
thread:90162
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020116/msgs/90608.html